A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?"
"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband.
This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?"
"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband.
This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies.
The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?"
The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck!" replies the friend.
"Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, “he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.
Up to 60.
“I want the car, too,” he continues.
65 mph.
“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her:
“Isn’t there anything you want?”
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.
“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles, and says, “The fсuкing airbag,аsshоlе!!”
So my mate is telling me how he traded insult for insult last night.
Seems he picked up this ditzy airhead in the pub and they went back to her apartment. She suddenly stopped their love-making.
“What’s wrong?” he asked “Did I do something wrong? Say something wrong?”
He said she just lay there, rolling her eyes and she said, “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”
So he knows something is wrong and so he just talks to her for a while to settle her down, then asks her again, “Now tell me what’s wrong.”
She says, “Well, I hate to hurt your feelings, but to be perfectly honest, your оrgаn is just too small.”
My friend feels lower than a snake’s belt buckle, but he hits back hard, saying, “Well, sweetie, my оrgаn was never meant to play in a cathedral.”
Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he's a great guy, and you still won't date him -- do you know what that's like for the guy? It's like going on a job interview and having the guy say this to you:
'Well, Mr. Perkins, wow! This a great resume. You have the experience we've been looking for. We love your attitude. You're perfect for this job, and we're not gonna hire you. No, no, we'll probably hire someone who's far less qualified and has a drinking problem. But this is a great resume. In fact, this is the resume we're gonna use to judge all the other candidates. Now, we're not gonna hire you -- ever -- but is it OK if we do call you every now and then to complain about the guy we do hire?'
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they’re walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fат, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, “Sure, if you fuск me.”
The first man replies, “I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fат smelly аss.”
The second man wants to live and agree’s to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, “fuск me then!”
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fuскs her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, “Fuск the water, I want some more of that buttered corn.”