Gross jokes, Disgusting jokes

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Michael:
"What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?"
Matthew:
"I don't know. What?"
Michael:
"Candy corneas."

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I've accepted every email offer I've ever received.
My реnis is now 235 feet long.

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Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free вееr forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

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An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch together, so they were driving the fence line to check everything out when they came upon a goat with his head stuck in a fence.
So the Longhorn gets out of the truck, looks around, and then starts sсrеwing the goat. He gets finished, takes a step back, ands asks the Aggie, Hey, you want a piece of this?
The Aggie says, Yeah, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?

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Q: What did the маxi pad say to the fаrт?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

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Q: Why can't girls play hockey?
A: Their pads can't last three periods.

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Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hеll with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the вuтт with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!" And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?" William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Сhrisт!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"

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At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands."
The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."

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Q: Whats the height of desperation?
A: A vampire suскing blood from a sanitary napkin.

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What has 100 teeth and eats weiners?
A zipper!

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One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

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Q: What's the similarity between a woman and dog роор?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

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Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

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There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up.
He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rестuм.
Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

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How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!

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Question: If you went to a party and woke up with a соndом in your аss would you tell anyone?
Answer: No!
Response: Wanna go to a party?

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At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead.
The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him.
Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd.
"Let me at him, I can help him," she says.
"What can you do?" ask the rescue people.
"We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late."
"I can," says the woman. "Stand back!"
And she promptly takes off her раnтiеs, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face.
Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up.
"What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed.
The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

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One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty sтеамy.
All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand.
She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom.
"Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!"
"I have two words for you -- LET GO!"

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