Halloween Jokes

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Last Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
“Honey there’s a witch at the door what shall I do?”
She replied, “Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuск off.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

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I’m not saying my wife’s ugly, but she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some Haribo.

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Guy: can i spend Halloween at your house?
Girl: yeah sure what will u be wearing
Guy:My birthday suit

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For Halloween I’m dressing up as a plate.
Girls love to do dishes.

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Pumpkin Lives Matter!
… (especially pumpkins on the porch!)

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Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

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I’ve just phoned my senile old Gran and told her to be careful because there have been reports of flesh eating zombies trying to break into people’s homes in her area. She told me that she’ll load the gun and keep it by the front door just in case.
I fuскing love Halloween.

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Last night, after I thought all of the trick or treaters were gone, a boy about 12 years of age came to my house.
He was dressed all in red. Instead of saying ‘trick or treat’, he said ‘I’m your period, sorry I’m late.
He got my last bag of sweets, and he restored all of my faith in his generation.

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Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it’s a slutty girl costume…

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I went out for Halloween dressed as a chicken, and ended up going home with a girl who was dressed as an egg. I found out the answer to an age old question.
It was the chicken.

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What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

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The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

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This Halloween the witches are all “Going Commando.”
It gives them a better grip on their broomstick

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What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.

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Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

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Hey there, mind if I take a bite? Cause your decomposing in ALL the right places.

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Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.

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