Jokes about Halloween

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I don’t think we will be calling any evil spirits to make their presence known this year on our annual Halloween get together.
Last year we were all sitting around the table when I said,
“Evil spirit, give us some kind of sign that you are among us this dark evening!”
That was when my fсuкing wife walked into the room!

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What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

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Just got a knock at the door. Thought it was trick-or-treat.
The bloke at the door said “Do you believe in free speech?”
I said “Of course.”
He said “Can I use your phone?”

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With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume.
After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Liverpool shirt.
“I think you have misheard me,” I said. “I wanted to look like a count.”

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On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely nакеd except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, “If you’re going as a sour-рuss, I’m going as a dictator.”

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I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

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Last Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
“Honey there’s a witch at the door what shall I do?”
She replied, “Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuск off.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

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I’m not saying my wife’s ugly, but she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some Haribo.

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Guy: can i spend Halloween at your house?
Girl: yeah sure what will u be wearing
Guy:My birthday suit

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Thanks to Ebola, this Halloween, the scariest costume might turn out to be that sеxy nurse uniform.

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For Halloween I’m dressing up as a plate.
Girls love to do dishes.

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Pumpkin Lives Matter!
… (especially pumpkins on the porch!)

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I’ve just phoned my senile old Gran and told her to be careful because there have been reports of flesh eating zombies trying to break into people’s homes in her area. She told me that she’ll load the gun and keep it by the front door just in case.
I fuскing love Halloween.

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Last night, after I thought all of the trick or treaters were gone, a boy about 12 years of age came to my house.
He was dressed all in red. Instead of saying ‘trick or treat’, he said ‘I’m your period, sorry I’m late.
He got my last bag of sweets, and he restored all of my faith in his generation.

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Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it’s a slutty girl costume…

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I went out for Halloween dressed as a chicken, and ended up going home with a girl who was dressed as an egg. I found out the answer to an age old question.
It was the chicken.

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What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

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The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

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