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I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.

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In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people.
It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch.
Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.

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Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Alien Jokes

Why dont mexicans cross the border in groups of 3's?
Cuz the signs at the border say no Trespassing.

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Mexican jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Yo mama is so sтuрid, she was looking for bluetooth at the orthodontist.

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Technology Jokes Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

On wedding night, during sеx:
Husband: I had a sеx with so many callgirls so many time before.
Wife: Thats what I have been thinking since we met that I have seen you somewhere before...

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vаginа. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vаginа!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vаginа. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my реnis and insert it into your wife's vаginа. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my реnis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my реnis out of your wife's vаginа. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his реnis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hеll do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the ваsтаrd!"

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Love Jokes

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunк, I mean really, really, really drunк.
When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the вuтт.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Superhero Jokes

A guy asks a Chinese lady for her phone number she says, "Free, sеx, free, sеx, tonight."
The guy said," wow" and her friend says she means 363629.

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Asian jokes Communication Jokes Phone jokes

This guy from up north just up and one day moved down south to start himself a farm.
He came across this man and asked him where he could get a good donkey to pull a cart and plow.
The man said I've got just what you need.
Only thing is down here we don't call them donkeys we call them an аss.
He said when this аss stops you'll have to get off the cart and slap them to get it going again.
The northern man thanks him and heads on his way.
He comes up to a man seeking chickens.
He says to the man, I'd like to buy a rooster and a hen.
The guy sai d sure thing but down here we don't call em roosters and hens.
We call them a соск and a pullet.
The man from up north says ok, thanks the man and is on his way.
He going along in his cart when his donkey stops in the middle of the road.
He remembers what the man said he had to do to get it going.
Just then a lady is walking by.
So he walks up to her and says, "excuse me miss, but will you hold my соск and pullet while I slap my аss."

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Communication Jokes

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?"
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'."
The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you."
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."

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Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Relationship Jokes Love Jokes

How do they name Chinese baby's?
They throw silverware down the stairs until they hear something they like.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes China Jokes Asian jokes

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

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Science jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Chemistry Jokes Nerd jokes

Kamasutra says:
If you suск one niррlе, the women herself offers the other one.
And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Business jokes

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and кill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.
O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.
They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside.
He is gone for a long time.
When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a вееr, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.
The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Beer Jokes

Yo momma so fат that they had to install speed bumps at all you can eat buffet.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

One night my mother in law came to our home.
In the middle of the night suddenly I was awakened by a horrible sound from WC.
She farted.
I was so angry that shouted and said: "Your food is under your feet and your weapons are complete get out and go to fight with ISIS!"

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Gross Jokes Military Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Terrorist jokes Fart Jokes

One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman.
The pastor was preaching and he said: "Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are" and the boy stood up and said pastor "How can you expect me to lie in a church?"

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Church jokes Beauty Jokes

Yo Momma so fат that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

A very fат woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
Clerk, "me too..."

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Fat Jokes

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.

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Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Vampire jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

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