Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."
The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

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A kid asks his father:
Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed?
Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.

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Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

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The re's this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids. So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad. His dad beats the crud outta him.
He shows his mother, "Hey Ma, Look! I'm white!" He gets beat by his mom too. Lastly, he shows his Grandmother, "Grandma, Look! I'm white! She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room. Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, "Son, did you learn anything out of this?" And the boy replies, "Duh! I've only been white for an hour and I already hate three niggеrs!"

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A farmer brought his daughter a little рот-belly pet pig.
She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.
"Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"
"That’s easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Diск, let's go."

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shiт mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fuскing Fruit Loops."

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Mary's father has 5 daughters,
1. Nana
2. Nono
3. Nini
4. Nene
What is the fifth daughters name?

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I’m leaving you... You’re constantly sneering at my overweight...
But honey, what about our kid?
What kid?
So you are not you pregnant?!

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Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore.
So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

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Q: Why can't black kids play in the the sandbox?
A: Because the cats keep covering them up.

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A child walks into a whоrе house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him.
He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have.
She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.”
The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.”
She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.”
The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have.
A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments.
As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way.
Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind.
As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him.
“Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for?
Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain.
“I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Вiтсh who ran over my pet frog.”

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Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie?
The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

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The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.

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A mother goes to the market and leaves her lilttle boy in the house.
Meanwhile, she leaves her phone charging on the floor in the house.
Unfortunately, power goes off and there is a message that comes with a sound on the phone.
The message reads, ' battery low'.
Concerned, the little boy picks the phone and puts it on the table and wait for some time waiting to see another message on the phone that should read, 'battery high'.
He was disappointed.

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At the New York Zoo, a little boy felt the urge to feed his banana to a big gorilla there.
His mother didn’t allow it.
The boy started to cry, and made his mother to change her mind.
Proudly, the boy goes near the gorilla with the banana and as he was about to give it away, the gorilla grabbed him and was prepared to eat him.
Crying and shouting, the boy tries to escape, but even his mother stood still in the sight of it.
Suddenly, something sounded like a hum up in the air... It was Superman!
Superman rescued the child!
The crowd relieved applauses.
The Media arrived at that point, and the reporters started interviewing Superman.
"Which newspaper are you from?" Superman asked to one of them.
"New York Times."
"You can ask me now." Superman said.
"Were you scared while saving the kid?"
"Yes, but it doesn’t matter to me. I want to help other human beings, no matter the cost."
To the next reporter:
"Which newspaper are you from?
"Herald Tribute. Which are your beliefs about children?"
"I believe that children are the future of our world and that we should, all of us protect them from evil."
The third reporter:
"Which newspaper are you from?"
"Risebroker"
(Rizospastis, a Greek newspaper)
"To you, you dамnеd communist, I’m not saying a word!"
Next Day, Newspapers write in their FrontPage:
New York Times – Superman, the abnegation and human sасrifiсе standard!
Herald Tribute – Superman, the defender and children Savior!
Risebroker – Superman, Propagandist, right winged fascist, deprives food from South-African immigrant!

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I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.
My niece chimes in and says,
"Not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

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