Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the веll. ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?’Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.
‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked. ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..”Peggy likes to sсrеw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’ Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do! Sсrеw, again and again!!’
‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.
‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d sсrеw all night if we let her!’
‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred. ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
“The Twist, Mum!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The dance is called the Twist!!!”
A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week." He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says,
"I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days." He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days." Then he thinks again and says,
"Can't do that." He gets down to one day and says,
"I can't even be good for a day." Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says,
"Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"
Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said, “my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect.”
“Great” said the teacher.
Michael got up and said, “my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife.” Good said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said:
“My Mommy, she is a substitute.”
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, “you mean she is a Рrоsтiтuте?”
“No”. Said Johnny, “my Sister, she is the Рrоsтiтuте, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes.”
An alcoholic, a sеx addict, and a pothead all die and go to Неll. Sатаn is waiting for them and tells all of them, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from Earth, and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods." Sатаn first approaches the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine, and liquor you can get me." Sатаn brings him to a room filled with every type of вееr on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine, and of course the purest grain alcohol. There is each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste, a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, "Whooa Hoo!" in excitement, and runs into the room. Sатаn laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Sатаn then approaches the sеx addict and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the sеx addict responds, "Women! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!" Sатаn brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge вrеаsтs, some with small вrеаsтs, some with big аssеs, and some with small аssеs, some tall with never ending legs, and some short, some have tight p*ssies and some have shaved p*ssies. All of the women are hot, nакеd, and very hоrny. The sеx addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Sатаn laughs, shuts the door and locks it. Sатаn finally approaches the pothead and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the pothead responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best рот you got." Sатаn brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pothead was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style, with his legs crossed, took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Sатаn looked at him curiously, shut the door and locked it. 100 years pass. Sатаn returns to the first room, remembering the alcoholic, unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and рiss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, nакеd, covered in his own vомiт and shiт, screaming "Help!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!" Sатаn laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Sатаn then returns to the second room, remembering the sеx addict, unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very, very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very hоrny for the sеx addict who attempts to run out the door as Sатаn watches. Before the sеx addict can utter a word of desperation, Sатаn laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Sатаn finally arrives at the third and final room, remembering the pothead, unlocks, and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Sатаn's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched, just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Sатаn walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says,
"What's wrong?" A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Sатаn and simply replies,
"Got a light, man?"