Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes
Two of my buddies took me out for my birthday. One of them pipes up, out of nowhere, says, “You know, out of all of us, Darrell, you’re the only one, dude, who does not have any kids.” …
…
I said, “Ha-ha-ha-ha, yeah!” And the other one said, “What’s your secret?”
“Condoms.”
You know what he says? “I don’t wear rubbers, man. You can’t feel nothing with a соndом on.”
“Alright, try it with half your paycheck missing for child support - you’ll feel that,”I said.
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby….
….
The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.” …. ….
….
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
Please note:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a “New Wives Store”
Just across the street.
The 1st Floor has wives that are GOOD IN BED !!
The 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th and 6th floor have never been seen
At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said,
"Take only one. God is watching."
So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote:
"Take all you want”. God is watching the apples."