Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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We're lazy people. We've woken our children up to get the remote for the television.

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A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy promptly answered, "Holy соw, a talking pig!"

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Guy: Kid your gаy as f*ck!
Me: if I'm gаy how did I get a girlfriend before Obama got office?

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The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, "Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!"
Mother replied, "Great! And then what happened?"
Matthew said,
"Oh, she gave it to the policeman."

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Bartender: Who Are You? I’ve never seen you before…
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink
Bartender: What kind of Job?
Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: What’s that?
Man: It’s a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?
Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too. Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married. Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these?
Man: That’s logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gаy!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!
(About 20 minute later the Bartender’s Boss Comes)
Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today.
Boss: Consultant!! What’s that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??
Bartender: I’ll explain it with an Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG?
Boss: No!
Bartender: That means you are Gаy!

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This kid is climbing a ladder in a garage
To get some wood. His mom comes Out and asks "sweetie?what are you Doing?"The kid says,"I'm getting high
Mom!"

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Vikas was singing in the bath and I could not understand the words so I asked him, "What are you singing?"
He replied, "Dad isn't very good at this song so I am singing it in fast forward "

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Сunт- How can you see with those Chinese eyes kid- idk first tell me how you can see your small dick

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How good could I look? I've got head gear on, glasses, a back brace, and a little thong up my вuтт.

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I am half-black, half-Puerto Rican, which is messed up 'cause you know I was born a suspect. You know anytime something went wrong, they blamed the spigger.

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After being punished for losing his temper, a little boy ventured to ask his mother, “Please explain to me the difference between my foul tempered and your worn nerves.”

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I was adopted by Swedish people in Minnesota. I don't know what your excuse for being all sсrеwеd up is, but that would be mine. My parents are Jan and Harold Anderson of Excelsior, Minnesota. It's kind of like being raised by wolves, except for they're white people.

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When we were kids, my sister always said she’d go down in history.
Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

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One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day. … …
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“Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?” she asked. …
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Straight A’s Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, “The tree is definitely green.” …
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“Sorry Sally,” says the teacher “but since the tree has a brown trunk it is not definitely green. Anyone else?” …
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Timmy in the middle of the class raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.” … …
“Sorry Timmy, but since there are clouds in the sky it can’t be definitely blue. Anyone else?” … …
After a few minutes little Johnny in the back row raises his hand and says, “Is a fаrт wet?”
The teacher steels herself for another session with Little Johnny’s vulgаr mouth and says, “Excuse me? What was that Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Is a fаrт wet?”
“Well no.” The teacher says.
To which Johnny replied, “Well then I definitely shiт my pants.”

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Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad…
Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!
Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!
Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?
Bob: I think so…
Little Johnny: Yeah, that’s my father’s ваlls.

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A policeman parked his police van in from of the station, while gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner Tops was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” the policeman replied. Puzzle, the boy looked at him and towards the back of the van.
Finally he asked; “What did he do?”

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When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

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