Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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As an innocent kid, growing up amongst adults, quaffing adult beverages, I was confused as to why an “eye opener” and a “nightcap” were identical.

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A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!

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My best friend just had her third child. She'll be sterilized by the state soon.

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Kid: How did you break your arm?
Me: I tripped.
Kid: How did you trip? huh?
Me I tripped over your mom when she tried to suск my d*ck.

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That's a tough and dedicated job to be a class clown. You basically throw your educational future in the toilet for the amusement of your pinhead classmates who didn't pay a cover charge.

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Teacher: since you were talking can you solve the problem
Kid: the problem is you ,the solution is to mind your own business

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Yo momma so dumb, she thought Snoop dog was Snoopy's kid

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As a kid, parent-teacher conferences were embarrassing and awkward for me and my parents. My teacher made my parents write on the blackboard one hundred times, "We will not have any more children."

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Kids nowadays don’t realise how lucky they are when it comes to роrn.
They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds.
When I was a kid I used to have a wаnк when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

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Me: you want to here a short joke
Kid:sure
Me: look in the mirror if you tall enough

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Bruno came home from school crying in hysterics. Looking at the bruises all
Over his face, it was apparent he got into some trouble.
"What happened to you?" his father says in a panicky manner.
"You remember the other day you told me 'Sticks and stones may break my
Bones, but words will never harm me.'"
"Of course," the father replies.
"Well," Bruno says,
"You were right about the sticks and stones."

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Why are these kids bringing all these guns to school? And the parents never know:
'Oh, we had no idea. We didn't know.' How could you not know that your kids are making 30 pipe bombs in the garage? My dad knew if I broke wind in the backyard.

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How do you make a fат kid cry?
Shoot his feet

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Things My Kids Taught Me About The Learning Curve - Part III …
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. …
• A 3 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. …
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late. …
• Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, and lots of it. …
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

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A kindergarten teacher asked:
“What is the shape of the earth?”
After a pause a little girl spoke up:
“According to my Daddy…terrible!”

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Sure, she may be a little lacking in conversation skills, but that's OK. Unlike you, she doesn't need to explain why she still wets herself, then falls asleep on our floor.

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Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

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Random kid: fuск YOU!
Me: go fuск yourself, you'll get more pussy

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