Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother’s pregnancy. Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital. She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said,
“Mom, I don’t understand. If they’re going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?”

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I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

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A kid asked his mother, “Mom, can you buy me those two toys that we had seen at the store the other day?”
His mother replied, “I will buy you one of them. One is enough to keep you busy at playtime.”
Later that day, the kid started doing his homework. The mother said, “Remember that you have two activities as homework today.”
The kid replied, “I will do one of them. One is enough to keep me busy at study time.”

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A first grade teacher was looking at her students as they were trying out their desk computers. One boy was staring at the screen, looking dumbstruck and confused. The teacher came and read what was on the screen and in her most reassuring voice said, “The computer wants to know what your name is."
The boy then leaned over and whispered, “My name is David."

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My cute little Granddaughter asks me, "Grandpa can I have $10 please?"
I said,
"Well sure hun what's it for?"
She says,
"Well you old tightwad every time I ask for a twenty spot you say No!!!"

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I told my kids, 'Look, you guys, if someone comes up to you at school and says,
"Is your mom gаy?" Look them square in the face and go, "Why? Does your mom want to date her?"'

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A little girl complained that she didn’t want to go back to school.
“But why, Lisa?” asked her mother.
“Well, I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk.”

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Peter went home from school and with full of excitement, looked for his mother.
Peter: Mother, I almost made it as top 1 student of our class for this school year!
Mother: Oh really, I'm so proud of you son! So, you must be the top 2 then?
Peter: No mother, our teacher pointed to my seatmate, had she pointed me, I would have been the top 1 in our class! Almost mom! Almost!

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A father came home from work one night to find his little boy sitting on the cat, with a pen and paper in his hand.
“Why are you sitting on Felix?” he asked.
“Well, teacher told us to write an essay on the family pet.”

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While I was making a huge batch of snicker doodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.
He did as he was told. His first instruction:
"Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."

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In kindergarten, he had a little crush on his kindergarten teacher, which I think is normal. I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.

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Finally did what came natural to us: we just stood on a beach and yelled at other people's kids.

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When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."

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At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?
The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”

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What do you call a gаy asian?
Chu Mai Wang
What is the point of jewish football?
To get the quarterback.
What do you call an asian guy wearing ancient armor?
A сhinк in the armor.
Where do jewish kids with ADD go?
Concentration camps.
How do you know if a black person has been on your computer?
It’s gone.
Why did the black kid fail night school?
The teacher kept marking him absent.
Why aren’t there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
There’s a Target on every corner.
What do asian men do when they have erections?
They vote.

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Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap kids. Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbor’s kids.

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When you’re a fат kid you only get to be two things.
Funny, and a goalkeeper.

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What should you do if you are imagining that you are in a jungle and that a lion is chasing you?
Stop Imagining

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