Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

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Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.

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"I don't think my mom knows much about children."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake
And gets me up when I am sleepy."

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Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

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I have a good friend who was retired but he needs extra $$$ so he took a job as a taxi driver.
Last night, he pulled out to avoid a kid.
… and fell off the sofa.

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A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an оrаl exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam:
"What is two plus two?"
"Four," the athlete answered.
The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"

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Funny Bumper Stickers:
· Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiот.
· We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
· Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
· Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
· Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
· Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

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It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'

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A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

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You know you’re a good mum when you sасrifiсе your viвrатоr batteries for your kids toys

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I empower my eldest daughter. I tell her to be proud of where she came from. That's why I named her Uтеrus, Uтеrus Feldman. She's named after her grandmother.

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Scaredey cat
Some time ago, I had “the talk” with my kid who recently turned 17. At the time, I told him that if he had any questions, no matter how embarrassing, I would answer them.
So last week, he asked me what lеsвiаns do and I told him.
Apparently Sox, my cat, overheard me as she ran into my bedroom and has been hiding under my bed for 4 days.

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Bully: Did you realise that you're obese?
Fat Kid: Yes, I realised about 1 year ago that I am a beast. What about yourself?

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Fат kid to thin kid: someone seeing you would think there's a problem with hunger.
Thin kid to fат kid: Yeah, and someone seeing you can understand why.

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Bully: ugly kid i went to a planet and i saw a bunch of ugly people like you
Me: i'm pretty sure those were mirrors.

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When I was five years old, I lost my two front teeths, and I put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy. And the next morning when I woke up, to my surprise, under my pillow, I found a joint.

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I have a niece that's an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she's like, 'I love the dog!' And then she'll tackle it and bite its ear.

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

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