Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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So while a wife was contributing to the preparation of dinner inside she was feeling a bit self conscious about her but getting larger. In an attempt to get some support she goes out to her husband who was cooking on the bbq and says,
"Honey do you think my аss is big?". He looks up and then back at his grilling and just chuckles and says,
" big! Its almost as big as this bbq." Totally hurt she goes back inside. After dinner and kids are in bed, the husband is feeling frisky and tries to rub up on momma. She of course gives him the cold shoulder due to his previous remarks. He scratches his head and attempts to rub up on her some more and she again gives him more cold shoulder. Finally he says,
"What gives?". She rolls over and says to him, "What makes you think I am going to fire up this big ol' bbq for just one little wееniе?"

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“Now, Joseph,” said the teacher to the aggressive youngster, “what do you think your classmates would think of you if you were always kind and polite?”
“They’d think they could beat me up,” promptly responded Joseph.

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I have a little nephew. He's two-and-a-half, and he just learned to say those three words, 'I love you.' And he's saying it to everybody now. My sister was like, 'He doesn't understand what it means. He's saying it because he thinks he can get something.' I said, 'Oh, I think he understands exactly what it means.'

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Kid: What're you looking at?!
Me: At a mistake.

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I have lost my mind!
And I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing -- $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

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I'm not gonna cut the cord. I mean, babies get mixed up or even stolen from hospitals all the time. This is obviously the best way to prevent it. What better way to prove it's your kid than to make sure it's still connected to you? Believe me, I raised four cordless kids -- they were outta control.

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She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. She just came in and said it:
'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

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Son: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.

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The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a house of prostitution. “You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “it’s actually real romantic.”
“Oh, yeah?” responded the man. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids - and she thought I was bowling. “And to clinch it all, the madam wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl!”

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I saw this little girl -- she had sweatpants on that had the word 'Juicy' written across her аss, like, right across her аss. She was, like, seven years old, walking with her father. I think any father that allows their seven-year-old daughter to wear sweatpants with the word 'Juicy' written across her аss should be put in prison for child endangerment. And his orange jumpsuit should have the word 'Juicy' written right across the аss.

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I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a сrаск head.

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It was actually very strange growing up because both my parents are actors, so they were always worried that we wouldn't create a scene.

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So, after beating the сrар out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

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Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiот.

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My wife just called me.
She said, “The two kids want you to take them Bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”
“It’s either one or the other,” I said, “otherwise it’s too expensive.”
“Okay,” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”
I said, “David.”

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I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. Finally, I’d had it.
"Do you want a stranger to take you?!" I scolded.
Thrilled, he yelled back, "That depends, will HE take me to the zoo?"

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You really wanna know what you look like to other people? Here's how I found out. Don't look at a picture of yourself or in the mirror. You really wanna know, have a child draw you.

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