Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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I took on a summer job this year. I'm working down at the beach here, and I'm a lifeguard. Of course, I'm working on commission. 'Hey, you kids, go play in the riptide. Go on there. Daddy needs a new CD.'

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College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

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Kid- Be f*ckin carefull what you say or ill squash you to the size of a ticktack
You-your like a bag of pampers, self absorbed and full of shit

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I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, 'I am the man. I am a drinker.' And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, 'I got away with it.' And the toilet said, 'No you didn't. Get over here and pray to me, вiтсh.'

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My all-time favorite movie was the Alfred Hitchcock movie, 'The Birds.' I saw it with my older brother. We get home that night -- I went to bed; he opened up all the windows and poured croutons on me.

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A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park.
Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets"

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People always ask me that really romantic question:
'Do you remember the precise moment you proposed to your wife?'
'Oh yeah, right after I got the test results.'

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Certain large people should not wear certain clothing. That's all there is to it. She was wearing one of those designer sweatshirts that say 'Guess' written across the front. Four or five kids behind me go, '250?'
'275?'

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This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

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Don't you hate it when a kid in your class acts all smart and everything. So in class one day after they get done being a sмаrтаss, say...
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you f*cking know everything because you don't.

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If a guy tells you that he's a jеrк, you should probably listen. 'Cause they tell you right off the bat, don't they girls? 'Listen, I'm a jеrк. I'm no good for you.' What happens to us? We turn into a little kid:
'La-la-la-la! I can't hear you!'

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My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers?"
One girl knew. "Because it might be past the sell-by date."

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Teacher: Ok class, what comes after 69?
Cool kid: Mouthwash
Me: Says the one that won't get anything
Cool kid: Suск my ass
Me: Not until you shave it Bigfoot

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I once saw a kid wearing a white T-shirt with a caption that read " Turn down for what? " In the front so I followed him until the time was right i took a marker and wrote all the reasons to turn down on the back!
*kickass if u got it!

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A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of suскing his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop suскing your thumb, your stomach is going to вlоw up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."

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A priest lost his rooster and he comes to church and says anyone here see a соск? All the women raise their hands. "I'm not talking about that kind", he says. Then he says,
"Anyone here have a соск?" All the men raise their hands he says,
"Again, I'm not talking about that kind!" Then he says,
"Anyone in here see my соск?" All the kids then raise their hands.

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My daughter loved the movie "The Wizard of Oz" and wanted a pair of ruby slippers just like Dorothy. My wife found a pair that were perfect, except they were very slippery on the stairs.
I told my daughter not to wear them when she was using the stairs. While sitting in my living room I heard the clomp, clomp, clomp of what I knew to be ruby slippers. I yelled up at my daughter saying, "I thought I told you not to wear those shoes on the stairs?"
She replied, "Daddy, I am just carrying my shoes downstairs with my feet."

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After picking up my kindergartner today, I asked him. Steven were you good today? Yeah Mom. He replied. I said, are you sure? Yes mom, I'm sure.
Well I hope you didn't make your teacher cry today, did you? Still trying to pick it out of him. I said, now you know that Jesus see's you if you're bad or not. Then he looked over at me while getting distressed.
He said, Well let Jesus tell you if I was bad or not!!!

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