Little Johnny

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Little Johnny: Mom, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady.
Mom: Good, you did the right thing.
Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on dad’s lap.

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Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school.
When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral.
The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad."
Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused.
The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you."
Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."

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A teacher asks his pupils, “Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?”
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
“One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments.”
“Very good, Johnny,” says the teacher. “And the other?”
“Your mum’s a сunт.”

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Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”

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Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car pass the playground and go into the woods. …
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Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. …
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Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….” …
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Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. …
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So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undrеssing, laying down on the seat, and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

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Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his willie. Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?
Johnny said, “It’s that dамn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp.”

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O ne day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DАМN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

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Little Johnny was on the playground having a disagreement with another boy. The teacher comes out and tells the boys the best way to solve problems is to be agreeable and also open to compromise.
Little Johnny replies,
"OK, I’ll agree to let him compromise."

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Little Johnny asked his dad, "What do you do when you put one foot on the boat and the other on the dock?"
"Swim," replied his dad. "You fall in, and then you swim."

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Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”

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A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said,
"Sure does, just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said,
"You need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

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As the first grade teach веnт over to pick up an eraser, little Joey started to giggle. "Teacher, I just saw your stockings."
The teacher replied, "You will stay in for recess with that remark."
Later, she веnт over to pick up a piece of chalk as little Mikey began to giggle, "Teacher, I just saw your knees."
The teacher demanded he go to the office immediately for that remark. Still later she веnт way down to pick up a piece of paper and little Billy began to clean out his desk and head for the door. Teacher asked Billy where he was going.
He replied, "Teacher, I see my school days are over."

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The pretty young teacher enters the classroom to find “I’ve got the biggest соск in the school” written on the blackboard.
The teacher says, “Alright, who did that?”
Little Johnny immediately put his hand up. “Me, Miss,” he said.
“Right, I want to see you after class”, says the teacher.
Johnny turns to his mate and says, “Who said advertising doesn’t pay?”

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The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas! The teacher said, that right, you get an A.
Now which state do you think has the most sheep? A little boy raised his hand and said Montana! The teacher said that's right you get an A.
Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys? Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, Washington D. C.
The teacher gave him an A+.

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Teacher: Which hand do you eat spaghetti with Little Johnny?
Little Johnny: I don't use my hands, I use a fork.

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A fourth-grade teacher is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he is doing. …
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“Well Miss, the spider’s name is Herbert and watch this.” Johnny then bends down to the spider and whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.
The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbert, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Little Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” but Herbert doesn’t move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After several attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider “Run, Herbert, Run” but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks “Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf”

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Little Johnny meets Obama
Obama comes into to johnny’s class to teach a little vocabulary system. Obama says ” ok kids, who knows what a catastrophe?”
Susie says “an earthquake!”
Obama says ” no that would be a tragedy”
Jill says “a car wreck?”
Obama says “no that would be an accident”
Johnny says “if u and mrs. Obama were in an air plane and got shot down, that would be a catastrophe”
Obama says “yes. How did u know?”
Johnny says “well it ain’t a tragedy and sure as hеll wasn’t an accident?”

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A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mum isn’t around so he asks his dad.
The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mum does.
He replied, “What she’s fuскing told.”

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