Little Johnny

At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."
So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."
By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

42

One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.
He asked:
"What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand:
"What's 289+308?"
The teacher said:
"Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said:
"Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

45

Johny went to the butchery, because he wanted to buy a little brain, so he has asked the saleswoman:
"Have you got a little brain?"
The saleswoman has said:
"Yes, we have."
Johny has asked her:
"And is the little brain still fresh?"
The saleswoman has said:
"Yes, yesterday he has successfully solved the crossword puzzles."

46

Teacher:
"If you bought 8 hotdogs,9 cheese burgers and 7 fillet o fishes and you ate 8 hotdogs 9 cheese burger and 7 fillet o fish what do you have at the end?"
Little Johnny:
"A bad blatter issue."

50

One day little Johnny with his aunt went to a zoo.
Little Johnny pointed to a donkey that had a black and long erected penis more than 20 inches length.
So he asked his aunt what was that.
His aunt responded:
"That is nothing"
On the other month when he with his mother went to the zoo accidentally they met the same donkey with his long dick.
Johnny pointing to it said to his mother:
"Mommi my aunt told me that it was nothing."
His mother laughed and said:
"My dear it is nothing for your aunt!"

81

Teacher: What does your father do?
Little Johnny: Whatever mom says.

452

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”

0

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.
Little Johnny stopped the train and said,
"All you damn a**holes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!"
"Little Johnny!" exclaimed his father. "I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!"
So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.
He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says,
"All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the a**hole in the kitchen!"

0

A teacher asks his pupils, “Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?”
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
“One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments.”
“Very good, Johnny,” says the teacher. “And the other?”
“Your mum’s a cunt.”

0

Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school.
When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral.
The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad."
Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused.
The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you."
Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."

0

Little Johnny: Mom, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady.
Mom: Good, you did the right thing.
Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on dad’s lap.

0

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

0

Johnny puts his hand up. “Miss,” he says. “Would you do anal?”
“I beg your pardon?” says his teacher.
“I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?”
His teacher explodes. “You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!”
“Good,” beams Johnny. “I was hoping you would.”

0

Johnny's teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked,
"Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"
"They was in, but they is out now," he answered.
The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is 'They were in, but they are out now.' Where's your grammar?"
"She's upstairs taking her nap."

0

Little Johnny got home from school and told his mum " I just had my first sexual experience!"
His mum replied "I'm going to speak to your dad about this when he gets home. Go to your room." So little Johnny goes to his room.
When his dad gets home his mum tells him about little Johnny's first sexual experience.
His dad says "I won't get too angry at him because at his age, I was looking for my first sexual experience to."
When he gets to little Johnny's room he asks him "So how was it?"
Little Johnny replies it was Great! The only downside is my ass hurts."

0

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today!
The teacher asked him, “If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?”
Apparently, “Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab,” was the wrong answer.

0

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.

0

Teacher says to class, “OK class, today we’re going to be talking about the tenses.
Now if I say I’m beautiful, which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “Obviously it is the past tense Miss.”

0

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?
She grounded him.

1