Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Maybe Mr. So-and-So isn't coming up to us 'cause he knows it's gonna cost him $10 bucks just to say hello, and we're gonna tell him to f**k off. And if we don't tell him to f**k off, it's gonna cost him another $20 to get the wrong phone number.

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I used to want to meet a guy that was kind, warm, loving; now, I'm happy if the guy has ears -- not that he'll listen, but that he can.

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On our wedding night my new bride said she’d give me a вlоwjов every day if I could prove I’d never been with anyone else.
So I said, “What’s a вlоwjов?”

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Two blokes talking in a pub.
One says “After ten years of marriage, my sеx life is down to once a month.
The other says “Think yourself lucky pal, if my missus didn’t sleep with her mouth open my sеx life would be non existent”

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A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it.
One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on.
The wife complained, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when you’ve got a сrаррy old car?”
The man replied, “Don’t make such a big deal about it! I don’t complain when you buy new bras, do I?”

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There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone.
The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says,
"A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!"
The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says,
"A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!"
The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says,
"My dad farted and the house blew up!"

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1. Yo mama so fат she sits on both sides of the family!
2. Yo mama so fат the National Weather Channel names every one of her farts!
3. Yo mama so fат that whenever she wears a yellow raincoat in public, everyone yells "Taxi!"
4. Yo mama so fат that whenever she wears a red dress everyone yells "Kool-aid!" 5. Yo mama so old she knew Burger King whyle

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I phoned my mother-in-law and said, “Your daughter hasn’t been home in days.”
She replied, “I know, she is here with me, she’s not coming back.”
“I know, I’m just going through my phone book to tell everyone the good news.”

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Q. What does an Ikea cabinet and a marriage have in common?
A. One sсrеw out of place and the whole thing falls apart.

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Two planets are talking...
Saturn: I bet I get married before you do.
Venus: Why?
Saturn: Because I already have a ring.

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An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage
The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas.
After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

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My father was a gambler when I was growing up, so I thought I would confide in himthis nightmare I kept having.
"Dad," I began, "I keep having these dreams about a supernatural evil entity that takes horse racing bets from gamblers. He seems so real to me."
"Don't worry, son," my dad assured me. "There's no such thing as the bookey-man."

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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the old Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. “Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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(Father) Your mother tells me your first prom dance is coming up!
(Son) Yes, but I don’t think I’m going. What if I ask a girl and she says no?
(Father) Son, never fear rejection. Just keep asking until some nice young lady accepts your invitation.
(Son) Did you go to your first prom dance?
(Father) I sure did and I never let rejection hold me back!
(Son) Does this mean the first girl you asked said no?
(Father) Yes. In fact, many said no but I didn’t give up.
(Son) Did you have fun?
(Father) I sure did! And if you don’t believe me, ask your Aunt Suzy, we had a ball.

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It is truly said that children brighten a home - they never turn the lights off.

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I phoned my wife earlier. “I’m just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and сhiрs on my way home?”
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?
Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

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A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the widow replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."

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