Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
“Hello My Love”, I stammered; I always call him “My Love” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your frickin’ car.”
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free вееr in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a sтriр bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to сliмаx. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a торlеss model and only when it’s free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight nакеd.
14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last вееr or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of вееr.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sеx pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i. E., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sеx with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sеx, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever. We’ve all heard about people having guts or ваlls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“ВАLLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and вееr, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the аss and having the ваlls to say, “You’re next!”
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood Ltd.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said, “I’ll have to put your p*nis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”
So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous chest.
This was the first time he saw them.
She says, “You’ll be the first, no one has ever touched these вrеаsтs.”
He whips down his pants and says, “Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You ваsтаrd.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-dамnеd ваsтаrd.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this сriме. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt.
Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that ваsтаrd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”