Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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One evening, a family sat down for dinner. The mother served fish and cauliflower. They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a воnе.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.

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Wife renewed me for another season.

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As we’ve got older, my wife and I have both lost a few teeth.
I didn’t brush mine very often.
She nagged me about it.

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My wife always complained that I never gave her enough space,
So I got her a kitchen extension.

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I asked my wife “why do you never tell me when your having an оrgаsм?”
She said “I dont lke ringing you when your at work”

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Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed “Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

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Husband: You will never succeed, in making that dog obey you.
Wife: Nonsense! it's only a matter of patience, remember I had a lot of trouble with you at first as well...

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Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.

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A newly married couple was having breakfast at their new apartment when the next door neighbor hung out laundry that appeared to still be dirтy.
The new wife commented to her husband that their neighbor did not how to properly do laundry, how to put in correct amount of bleach. detergent, etc. She made this comment every Monday for the next month. Finally, one day, the neighbor's wash appeared to be perfectly clean. The new wife commented on this and said the whole load looked really good.
The husband then replied, "Honey, I got up early today and washed our windows."

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Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a dream home.
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.

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Phil: Have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?
Ralph: You bet. Hers and mine!

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I married my wife for sеx, she married me for money…now we’re fсuкing even!

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Wife:
“How’d your doctor appointment go?
Husband:
“Well, there’s good news and bad news. My blood pressure’s high and
I’m overweight. But, at the doctor’s suggestion, I’m going to take up golf!”
Wife:
“And the good news?”

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As seen on a car bumper:
“Driver does not carry cash. He is married”

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One summer, many years ago, there was a Key Club "Farm Boy/City Boy Exchange" program. The city boy from a Chicago suburb spent several days in southern Illinois on a farm with the farm boy and his family.
This was a working dairy farm, so there were plenty of cows which had to be milked at least twice a day. The city boy returned home and was invited to lunch at the local Kiwanis Club which had sponsored the exchange program. The city boy gave a short presentation about his week on the dairy farm One club member asked the city boy how he liked milking all those cows.
The whole club listened carefully and erupted with laughter when the boy unknowingly said. "Well it was good at first, but it sure got teatious, I mean tedious, after awhile."

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My Girlfriend told me:
"You have nothing but Jokes! Why can't you ever be serious for once! Hey, you could even make a fine husband one day! Hint!"
"Oh, seriously?" I said (thinking I'm not ready for a commitment yet).
She replied, "Of course, I have always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding and having 6 kids just like the Brady Bunch."
So I replied back, "Well, you're right Honey, I do need to take things more seriously. Actually, I was thinking about changing my profession from Delivering Pizzas to being a Famous Writer."
My Girlfriend says,
"Now your talking! I know that's not steady money but anything but more jokes!"
So I said back, "Honey, I know how important you want us to get married and have 6 kids like the Brady Bunch. So how does it sound to you if we discuss our future of a Big wedding and lots of kids!"
My Girlfriend says,
"Really?" (She blushes and looking very hopeful.)
I said,
"Of course! So where to you want us to get married? In Chapter 2 or 3?"

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The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
- - Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.
- - Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.
- - Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
- - Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

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While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.
I said,
"No, I also work, out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me and then said,
"Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

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