Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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I just moved. I had my first experience with a man with a van. I forgot to ask him how much it was gonna cost, so he shows up and I'm like, 'Oh my God, how much is this gonna cost?' He's like, 'I don't know. What's it worth to you?' I'm like, 'What?' He's like, 'Yeah, let's negotiate.' So I was like, 'Alright, $50 bucks.' And he goes, '$60 and a date.' And I was like, '$70.'

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Today, I decided to give my wife a taste of her own medicine.
I took her round 11 different pubs, only to go back to the very first one to buy my pint.

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A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sеx life with a film title,
“Gone in sixty seconds, ” said my wife sarcastically,
“Enter the dragon, ” I replied.

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire:
"I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer:
"Wow, she must be some woman. Interviewer:
"What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire:
"A Billionaire"

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When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied:
“Because women don’t have wives!”

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“Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.
“Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us.” Replied his wife.

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So this guy has the courage -- but not always the skills -- to tackle any home-repair project. For example, his garage was littered with the pieces of a lawn mower he once tried to fix.
One day his wife found him in the living room, attacking the vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate!" he exclaimed.
His wife replied, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"

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A woman asking people questions for her company's survey walked up to a man and asked if he would be willing to participate. He said, “Sure”. She asked him to name something expensive that he wished he had never bought. The man answered, “My wedding ring.”

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If Christians want to stop gаy sеx… they should encourage gаy marriage.

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Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate.
“Halt and identify yourself!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” declared the startled woman.
The sentry stepped aside. “Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized.”

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Granddaughter: It’s March 14th grandpa, national “pi” day.
Grandpa: I love pie!
Granddaughter: Not that kind of pie grandpa, I’m talking about a formula!
Grandpa: Back in my day we called it a recipe!
Granddaughter: Graaaand Paaaa, not that, it’s a mathematical formula, you know an equation.
Grandpa: That’s the problem these days, everyone makes things so complicated. In my day we used things like cups, teaspoons and tablespoons. We didn’t need math if we wanted to bake a pie.
Granddaughter: Oh, I see your point! So what would you like, apple or cherry pie?
Grandpa: Finally, a young person who actually understand things.

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My wife and I went on vacation to a fishing resort. I liked to fish at the сrаск of dawn. My wife liked to read. One morning I returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although my wife wasn't familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat and enjoy the beautiful morning on the water. So she took the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside my wife and said, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” my wife replied, “Isn't it obvious?”
“You're in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her.
“But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rаре,” snapped my irate wife.
“But, I haven't even touched you,” groused the sheriff.
“Yes, that's true,” she replied with a slight smile, “But you do have all the equipment.”
MORAL: Never argue with a redhead.

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The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, "Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!"
Mother replied, "Great! And then what happened?"
Matthew said,
"Oh, she gave it to the policeman."

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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

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Married women are more fulfilled with their lives than single women, a new study shows…
Or vice versa, depending on their mood.

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Bartender: Who Are You? I’ve never seen you before…
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink
Bartender: What kind of Job?
Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: What’s that?
Man: It’s a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?
Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too. Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married. Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these?
Man: That’s logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gаy!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!
(About 20 minute later the Bartender’s Boss Comes)
Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today.
Boss: Consultant!! What’s that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??
Bartender: I’ll explain it with an Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG?
Boss: No!
Bartender: That means you are Gаy!

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the сrар out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside the house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the lettering on the door of the car said, “Central Electric Company” and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the сrар out of me again.

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A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, “Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.”

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