Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A flying saucer descends upon earth and a number of friendly Martians disembark. …
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After the Martians are able to understand English, a number of couples gather at a party. …
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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and talk about all sorts of things. …
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Eventually, the subject of sеx comes up. …
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“Just how do you guys do it?” asked one of the Earthlings. …
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“Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.
“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!”
“No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
“Well,” she said. “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”
“No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful. How about you?”
“Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night.”
On the first day,
God created the dog and said,
“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said,
“That’s a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day,
God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said,
“Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……
On the third day,
God created the соw and said,
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The соw said,
“That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……
On the fourth day,
God created humans and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said,
“Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the соw gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God.
“You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slаvе in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Teacher decides to teach the class logic. She asks the class if there were three birds on a telegraph wire and the farmer fired his gun at them, how many birds would be left?
Little Jane said two miss, that's good.
Little Mary said three because he missed, that's good.
Now Little Johnny at the back of the class said there were none miss because the noise of the gun would frighten them away.
That's very good Johnie said the teacher, I like the way you are thinking.
Little Johnny said to the teacher, can I ask you a question miss? Yes of course you can, the teacher replied.
If there were three ladies walking along the beach and each one had an ice cream. One was licking it, one was biting it and one was suскing it, which one was married?
Well said the teacher, I suppose it was the one that was suскing it.
Wrong miss, it was the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you were thinking.