Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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The newlywed said to her husband. "I'm not cleaning up after you.
I'm a career woman. That means I pay other people to do housework.
"How much?"
"Eight dollars and hour. Take it or leave it"

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A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said,
"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the вiggеr they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really sтuрid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

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The day after his wife disappeared, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced policemen. "We are sorry Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the policemen.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Mr. Smith shouted.
The Policemen looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and
Some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said,
"Give me the bad news first."
The Police said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Third Mainland Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Smith swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
The policeman continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr Smith demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The policeman said,
"We are going to bring her out again tomorrow."

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My husband asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him.
So I forged a note from my mother saying I don’t have to participate.

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At least the family of Pete Burns will save a little bit of money -
They won’t need an embalmer.

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Но-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.

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The Facts of Life:
Anything you do for your girlfriend that makes other women go, “awwww” will have every man in the room thinking, “What a сunт.”

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When I was a little kid, we were so poor that my mother cut a hole in my pants pocket so I would have something to play with.
… If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I would have had no sεx life at all.

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The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.
"It's designed to adjust the child to live in today's world, ma'am," the shop assistant replied. "So basically, any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

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A sweet old lady who lived next to me died a virgin with no family and requests the following inscription on her headstone.
‘Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin’.
Being the closest person to her the decision was left with me, however there wasn’t quite enough money left in her Will after all the expenses, so I economised and got
‘Returned, unopened’

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A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said,
"All right, smart-aleck. You and your dаrn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

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An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of years. One day Elmer says to Betsy, “We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.
Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I’ll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sеx?
Elmer: Infrequently.
Betsy: Is that one word or two?

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In my house I’m never right, either i’m wrong or agreeing with my wife.

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A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.

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A married couple were vacationing in Hawaii and disagreed on the correct pronunciation of the state name. He said it was Hawaii and his wife said it was Havaii.
They stopped a man on the street to ask his opinion. He said the correct pronunciation was Havaii. The man's wife was delighted and thanked the man.
The man said,
"You're velcome."

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You have heard it said that it is the thought that counts. Well, when your wife is involved it is NOT the thought that counts, it is HER thought that counts.

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Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

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