Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,”.
“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?”
The officer continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The officer replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
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A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Сrавs walk sideways and we walk straight.”
“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..
“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunк!”
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Murphy’s old lady had been  pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the  doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey,  Murph! You just had you a son,!
‘Ain’t dat grand, !!’ Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor  spoke up and said, ‘Hold on! We ain’t  finished  yet, !’
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too….’
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, ‘Hold on, we  aint got done yet, !’
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,  Murph, you just had  yourself another boy, !’
Murphy said to the doctor, ‘Doc, what caused all of dem  babies,?’
The doctor said, ‘You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during  conception.’
Murphy said, ‘Ah yeah, during conception.’
When Murph and his wife went home with their three  children, he sat down with his wife and said, ‘Mama, you remember dat night  that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.’
She said, ‘Yeah, I  remember dat night…’
Murph said, ‘I’ll tell you, ……it’s a  f”” kin’ good ting we didn’t use WD-40.
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