Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said,
"Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it.... No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

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OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down... Etc.
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products..... Correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *
Ok.... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a тамроn and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (T. O. M) I go back to the cupboard..... And VOILA.... There is only ONE тамроn left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.
WELL..... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD.... At the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G. I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"
"Never mind!! Go play!!!!"

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The doctor who broke the news to Gorden Kayes family sat them down and said
“Listen carefully, I will only say this once.”

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A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.
One day, he wasn’t able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.
The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; “These are your children sir”. In the car was their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said; Don’t tell me all these ones are your children?.
The man asked her calmly; Can you tell me why our children are not in the car? …=D

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I've just ended this relationship with this woman. I think the chemistry was all wrong -- she blew up.

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After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

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I just saw The Nightmare Before Christmas.
A Taxi with my Mother-in-Law in it just pulled up outside.
==

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When I was a kid, my dad said, “Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,”
“Are you kidding? Really?” I shouted, my eyes welling up with tears.
“Yup, get ready,” he said. “They’ll be picking you up in about a half an hour.”

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I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a рussy then you’ll never get any рussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him”
I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again”
My son said, “I see what you mean Dad”

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The Phone Rings….
(Mother) Hello
(Daughter) Hi Mom!
(Mother) Honey, I haven’t head from you in months, is everything OK?
(Daughter) I just wanted to let you know I’m in my 3rd trimester.
(Mother) You’re PREGNANT?!?!
(Daughter) Nooooo! I went off to college remember?

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What's the biggest lie one tells him/herself?
I don't need to write it down, I'll remember it later.

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During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nudе and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

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5 y. O.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

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I work a lot but still want to help around the house and with the kids. My wife asked me to do the dishes, put the kids to bed and read a bedtime story.
The next day she had no assignments for me so I asked why. She informed me that I just don’t have the skill set and that she had to redo the dishes.
I said how about the bedtime story thing? She said, well, ok, but this time you have to read it out loud.

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A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says,
"Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says,
"I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

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I'm getting married to a very successful car salesman. I'm so excited. I know you've been staring at my ring. Isn't it fabulous? He sold it to me.

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This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.
“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

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I suggested to my wife that she should buy a taser so that she could stop men trying to force her to have sеx with them.
I was shocked when she actually took my advice.

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