Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, “Paw, what is Sеx?”
Paw says, “Since you are a big boy I will show you.”
Paw hollers, “Maw get yourself in here!”
Paw then says,”Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs.”
Paw says,”Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!”
In the midst of Paw’s demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, “What is going on?
“Jethro answers, “Paw is teaching me about sеx.
“Little Sally asks, “What is Sеx?
“Jethro replies, “See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!”
An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, “Tony, why you-a such a fат-a fсuк?”
Tony says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s spaghetti! I can’t-a stop-a eating it.
“Poppa says, “You should-a take-a smaller bites!”
Then Poppa says to his middle son, “Michael, why you-a such a fат-a fсuк?”
Michael says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s lasagna. I can’t-a stop-a eating it, it’s-a so good.”
Poppa says, “You should-a also take-a smaller bites.”
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, “Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?”
Fredo says, “It’s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a рussy.”
Poppa says, “Рussy? Рussy, that’s-a taste like shiт!”
Fredo says, “Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.
"Okay," the boy said.
"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.... AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said,
"Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it.... No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.