Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said,
"You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!," the father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says,
"Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”
"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."
"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”
“Selma who?” asks the angel.
“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."
“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”
@Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the соndом factory.
@ A wife is a sеx object. Every time you ask for sеx, she objects
@ Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
@ There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
@ Раnтiеs: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
@ There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
@ Virginity can be cured.
@ Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
@ Having sеx is like playing bridge - if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
@ I tried phone sеx once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
@ Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
@ Question: What’s an Australian kiss????Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
@ A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
@ Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life????? Answer: Life suскs, job suскs and the wife doesn’t
@ Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact????? Answer: Вrеаsтs don’t have eyes.
@ Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives. :p