Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce , than before a wedding .

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Wife: (Looking pleased and happy) “Look, dear. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.” ….
…..
Husband:
“For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!”

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@Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the соndом factory.
@ A wife is a sеx object. Every time you ask for sеx, she objects
@ Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
@ There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
@ Раnтiеs: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
@ There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
@ Virginity can be cured.
@ Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
@ Having sеx is like playing bridge - if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
@ I tried phone sеx once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
@ Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
@ Question: What’s an Australian kiss????Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
@ A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
@ Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life????? Answer: Life suскs, job suскs and the wife doesn’t
@ Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact????? Answer: Вrеаsтs don’t have eyes.
@ Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives. :p

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Marriage is like a railroad sign… first you stop, then you look, and then you listen.

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Little Peter was taking his new puppy for a walk when a policeman stopped him.
“Has your dog got a license?” The policeman asked. “Oh, no,” answered Peter.
“He’s not old enough to drive.”

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The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, “Son you’ve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.”

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Two women were discussing marriage, and one said,
"We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said,
"That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one replied, "Oh, no. Not in the slightest."
"You must be a sаinт!" commented the second.
To which the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."

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I’ve been happily married for 4 years - out of a total of 25

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The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

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I have a love/hate relationship with my wife.
She’s bipolar.

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I t’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money.” she replied.

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A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation:
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

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My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:
Dear Father Christmas,
I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday’s it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.
Sincerely, Edna
My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear Father Christmas,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I’m sure we’ll all have a very nice day and I’ve told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those fuскin’ thieving ваsтаrds at the Royal Mail …
Sincerely, Edna

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It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn’t real.
I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, “It’s actually our parents who do it!”
My daughter said, “But I can’t believe dad would do that?!”
Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike:
“It’s not dad, it can’t be. Mum’s the only one fат enough, with a beard.”

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A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy 5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think you're getting sсrеwеd in there, you'd better come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner's convention going past."

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A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

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After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this one!" she exclaimed.

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30PM after work.
His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the heck did you bring him home?"
Calmly the husband replies,
"Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

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