Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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I typed "married" but it was auto-corrected to "martyred". Dамn,smartphone has gained intelligence.

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They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.
“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

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A guy comes home at 3 o’clock in the morning. He has obviously had more than his share of some kickass вооzе. His wife meets him at the front door, and the following conversation ensues:
“Where in the fсuк have you been!?”
“Hey, mama, I was just out having a good time!”
“Well, how much money did you spend!?”
“Ninety dollars.”
“WHAT!? Ninety Dollars! You аsshоlе, do you know how long ninety dollars would last me!?”
“hmmmm well…. Ya don’t drink…ya don’t smoke…ya got yer own рussy …. probably forever!”

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The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.
“Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked.
“Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again. “I found that the cat had eaten it!”
“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”

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The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nudе," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked,
"Dear, has there ever been any strange traditions in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

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I saw a little pamphlet called “The secret of a happy marriage” in the bookstore.
I wondered how such profound wisdom could be condensed into a booklet that small, and I gladly paid the asking price of 17.95 to finally master my relationship with the better half.
I opened it up and it contained one sentence:
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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Guy: hey Rick Ross, you're so fат.
Rick Ross: yeah. it runs in the family
Guy: nothing runs in your family, you fат f*ck!

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Once a doctor invented a birthing pain share machine, where a spouse could share the joys and pains of birthing with their partner. So a couple walks in and was ready for labor and they agreed to try the device.
The doctor diverted 1 % and checked to see how the husband felt, he said he was okay. They proceeded with 5%, 10%, 25% and up to 50% and the husband was still feeling fine. They were proud parents of a beautiful baby and proceeded to head home.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead at their front door.

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A young couple were married and they were having sеx all the time during their honeymoon. ….
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When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sеx schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. …
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This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. …
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The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. …
One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

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My brother and sister started using сrаск сосаinе. And I can't tell you like it was in the movies -- overnight they became addicted -- but in about a year and a half, my sister had become a рrоsтiтuте and my brother had started stealing things out of my mother's house. And when things get that bad, sometimes you even have to cut your own family loose, and as much as it hurt me, I had to sit them down and tell them, 'Look here. I can't sell you this stuff anymore.'

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I went by the house where I grew up in yesterday and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.
My parents can be so fuскing rude.

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I’ve been telling everyone that I’ll make a dictionary that’s the same height as me, by the end of the month. With the deadline approaching my family think i’m going to give up, but I’ll stand by my words.

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One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog sound"
The grandfather asked why?
The boy said,
"Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii”

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My son started crying when I gave him his breakfast this morning.
I only made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup and told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

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One man says to another man, "I nicknamed my wife after a flower. I call her 'Rose."
Second man says,
"I nicknamed my wife after a flower also! I call her snapdragon!"

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I said to my wife this morning, “I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn’t it?”
“Nice try. The lawnmower’s in the shed.”

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A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sеx only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is соск-eyed.”

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Catelin: My Mom has the worst memory.
Amanda: She forgets everything?
Catelin: No, she remembers everything!

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