Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

My wife treats me like a God…
She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

0

0

A woman in the U. K. held a wedding ceremony to marry herself.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think that lady you just married might be crazy.”

0

0

(Note: this joke worked better in the fifties, sixties and earlier.)
“Mrs. Jones, I have some good news”
“It’s miss Jones Doctor”
“Miss Jones I have some bad news”

0

0

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

0

0

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says:
"Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said:
"Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and suскеd the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says,
"How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunк the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

0

0

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

0

0

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

0

0

A man is having problems with his Johnson, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your diск is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your реnis.”
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, “Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

0

0

I said to my two-year-old son, “Now, what noise does a cat make?”
“Miaow!”
“Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?”
“Woof woof!”
“That’s right! Now tell me what noise a соw makes?”
“David, if you even think about going out to that fсuкing pub with your fсuкing mates again, then you can вlооdy forget about ever being let back in this fсuкing house!”
That’s my boy!!!!

0

0

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

0

0

My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table. "That’s disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn’t she realize we eat off that table?"
Then he went out back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping.
When I came home I couldn’t set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.

0

0

A small boy came running downstairs, shouting, “Mom! Mom! I cleaned my room without being told!”
“Well,” said the mother, “that's wonderful! Thank you very much. It will same me a lot of trouble, and it shows you are growing up.”
“Yeah, but, Mom,” said the boy, “don’t jump to conclusions.”
I don’t understand, dear,” said his mother. “Conclusions?”
“Yeah, Mom” said the boy. “This isn’t going to become a habit.”

0

0

1-One day a Mullah was going to Bazaar to sell his goose. An intelligent and humorous priest saw him and decided to put him on the test. He approached the Mullah and asked: how much is the donkey? The mullah answered: father it is a goose not donkey. The priest replied: I did not ask you, I asked the goose.
2- The other day a Mullah went to the doctor. He said: doctor, my beard aches. The doctor asked him: what did you eat for lunch? He replied: I ate bread and ice. The doctor answered back: neither your pain resembles the pains of the people nor your food is like theirs.
3- One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

0

0

I think your marriage license should be like your driver's license: should have an expiration date on it. You should have to renew it every couple of years, and if you don't renew it, it just run out.

0

0

I took my wife to Scotland to see if we could spot the Loch Ness Monster. We were only there for a couple of minutes when I noticed something in the water.
“There it is!” I shouted. “There’s something fuскing horrible looking right at us.”
“That’s my reflection,” said my wife.

0

0

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

0

0

Math made easy
If the husband has $20 and the wife has $5…
The wife has $25.

0

0

The first toilet bowl was invented by Thomas Crapper, but credit for inventing the first toilet brush goes to his wife.
Having left a skidmark on her husband’s invention, she looked into the bowl and thought; ‘What I need is a long-handled brush, to remove the offending stain hygienically’.
Mr Crapper would have beaten her to the idea, but an hour earlier he had looked down at his own skidmark and thought; ‘I bet I could blast that off by рissing on it.’

0

0