Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Bought the wife a maids outfit to liven things up indoors, didn’t work, the house is still dirтy.

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My wife came back from the shops yesterday and pulled out a реnis еnlаrgемеnт pump.
So today I went out and bought her a sewing kit.

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Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear….. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

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My mother... would save her money and take us skiing on the weekend, which was brave. She took a black family skiing. This was the 80s -- brothers weren't skiing, man. People didn't know what we were coming down the mountain. They'd be looking up, confused, 'Oh my God, are those bears? I think I see bears skiing down the mountain! Huh, they're African Americans trying something new. What's next -- golf?'

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“So, what’s your story then?” My date asked. “Been married, kids?”
“Well I used to be.” I said. “No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” She gasped. “Recently?”
“Quite recent.” I replied. “My sleeves are still wet.”

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“I think I’ve been bitten on my вuм,” said my wife, bending over and pulling up her skirt. “Can you see it?”
“Oh my God!” I said. “It’s absolutely massive!”
“Is it?” she replied.
“Yes,” I said, “it’s going to take a while to check.”

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It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I’d deal with it.
When we got home, the kids rushed right into the house with the news. "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!"
Impressed, my husband asked,
"How did you fix it?"
"I turned up the volume on the radio," I confessed.

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Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

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Groups of people are touring the White House in Washington, D. C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitor’s register.
A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son, Sheldon. As they near the visitor’s registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book.
However, his mother stops him and corrects him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

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Brian and Dave were drinking down at the pub. Brian turned to his mate and said, “The thrill is gone from my marriage. What should I do?”
Dave thought for a moment and replied, “Why not add some spice and intrigue to your relationship by having an affair?”
“What if my вlооdy wife finds out?” Brian cried.
“Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel,” suggested Dave.
So Brian went home to his wife that evening and sat her down to have a talk. He said, “Honey, I love you very much but I think we’re sort of stuck in a rut. I think maybe if I have an affair, it will bring us closer together.”
“I doubt it,” she replied calmly. “I tried it last week and it didn’t fсuкing work.”

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My son came into the living room really sad and said, “dad, school is so difficult, I fell like I’m not getting anywhere.”
“Son” I said, “you have to work hard for everything in this life. Nothing is just handed to you and unfortunately thats the way it is. Now if you don’t mind, there about to call out the lotto numbers.”

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“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life”
“But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad”
“I know, son”

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A young girl’s father had been in the hospital for a serious operation, and for several days he could not receive visitors. Still in pretty bad shape, he was finally allowed a visit from his family. His young daughter was baffled by her father’s condition. “But Dad, you look awful! Didn’t you get my get-well-card?”

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"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother.
"Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing."
"Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully. "That's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

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My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said,
"You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."

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The pastor preached about the beautiful kingdom of heaven and asked the congregation “how many of you would like to go to heaven from here?” everybody raised up their hands except a little lad sitting just in front of him “don't you want to go to heaven son?” he asked. “My mother seriously warned me not to go anywhere from here, but to come back home” replied the boy.

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Sitting on the couch waiting for dinner, I thought I heard the wife ask which did I want for dinner, "beef, chicken or fish?"
Since it had been a while since I had any, I replied, "fish!"
Apparently that was the wrong answer. The reply I got was that I was getting "soup" as she was talking to the cat.

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A Grandmother asked her teenage grandson to lightly water the plants outside in the backyard, but to not wet the grass because the younger grandchildren wanted to go out to play in the yard. She didn't want the yard to be muddy for them to walk through. The teenage grandson happily said he understood and went outside to begin watering the plants.
A few moments later the Grandmother looked out the window and was surprised to see her teenage grandson using the water hose to spray water all over the grass in the yard. She ran outside to ask him why he was soaking the grass in water, causing the entire yard to turn muddy.
He replied, "To rinse the morning dew off the grass so it won't be wet when the kids come out to play."

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