Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
“You’re a fат, ugly вiтсh,” I yelled to my wife.
“You’re a lazy ваsтаrd,” she yelled back.
“You’re a moany сunт,” I replied.
“You’re a thick shiт,” she said.
“Well, you smell like shiт,” I said.
“You look like shiт,” she said.
“I wish you would fuскing die,” I said.
She was too upset to reply though. For the next hour or so, we talked about the good old days and we both said sorry to each other.
“Let’s start again,” she said.
“Okay…” I said.
“You’re a fат, ugly вiтсh…”
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.
"So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"