Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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My wife and I are in what you would call a love-hate relationship.
“She loves me, I hate her”

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When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still stuck with dad."

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So there I sat with my parents watching a hot romantic movie and just then the guy in the movie started kissing his girl and touching her all over. We all knew what was coming up next but I was determined not to get out of the room. I glanced up to my father and saw that his eyes had become deadly red and yet I continued to sit. Just as the guy was taking off the girls skirt,my dad looked up at me and yelled,”Boy go and iron the car!!

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A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said,
"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy сrар" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the сrаск of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said,
"I don't want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life." She said,
"You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.
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“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking. ”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth. ”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! “

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I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

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Most loving mothers change many smelly diapers. Every day.
Yet, they absolutely lose it when their husbands pass gas.
Go figure.

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Sargent: Soon you'll be home with your families. In a jar. On the mantelpiece

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Last night I ate dinner at a real nice family restaurant. … Every table had an argument going.

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My family and I were at a friend’s house for a barbecue when it started to rain.
My son moaned, “The rain is wet.”
My friend laughed and said, “Talk about stating the obvious!”
“He’s always doing that,” my wife said. “I don’t know who he gets it from…” she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, “He gets it from me.”

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Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?” She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
“It’s called sеxuаl inтеrсоursе”, she replied.
Little Michael just said, “Oh, okay” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,”Grandma, it is not called sеxuаl inтеrсоursе! It’s called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you!

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A confused man told his friend, "I don't get it. My wife says she only has two complaints... nothing to wear and not enough closet space."

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I'm dating again, which is very exciting -- 'cause I'm married.

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At 18, I married a vacuum cleaner salesman with a lazy eye. Our wedding song was 'Two Out of Three Ain't Bad' by Meatloaf.

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I was standing at a public urinаl… when a guy came and stood next to me.
He looked down at my реnis and said, “I wish I had one that size.”
“Oh yeah?” I said, with an air of confidence.
He said, “Yeah, then my wife might leave me!

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Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, “Wow, unbelievable!” Bill woke up and asked, “What’s going on?” Bob said, “I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.”
“How come?”
“To have sеx! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my life!” After a pause, Bill said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Неll, no! Why would I want you to do that?”
“Because that’s my diск you’re holding.”

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Teacher: Tim, if there are ten birds and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?
Tim: None, because they all flue away.
Teacher: Not what I meant, but I like the way you think.
Tim: I have a question.
Teacher: Yes?
Tim: There are three women at an ice cream shop. One is biting her cone, one is licking her cone, and one is suскing her cone. Which one do you think is married?
Teacher: The one suскing the cone?
Tim: No, the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.

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A married man keeps telling his wife “Honey, you have such a beautiful вuтт”. Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful вuтт. The man’s birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words “Beautiful вuтт” tattooed on her аss.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful вuтт. He looks and says, “You do have a beautiful вuтт”. She then tells the man she wants Beautiful вuтт tattooed on her аss. The man tells her “I can’t fit that on your аss, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful вuтт. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man’s birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says “look honey.” She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man screams “WHO THE FUСК IS BOB?”!

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