Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting.
We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.
Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.
At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.
I said, “No.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said... 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said,
"There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said,
"No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"