Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of роттy training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta рее," when he had to go to the bathroom.
His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to рее. Whisper!"
That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other.
Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?"
The child looks at his dad and says,
"I've gotta whisper!"
Pastor says,
"It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."
Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked,
"Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said,
"Father, I can't tell you."
Father said,
"If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution."
Eric again said,
"I know Father, but I just can't tell you."
Father Duffy then asked,
"Was it Mrs. Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"
"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."
Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"
"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."
"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"
"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"
A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night. "Honey," the wife said,
"If I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so, it's paid for."
"How about our car," continued the woman, "would the two of you keep that?
"I suppose so, it's paid for."
"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."