Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said,
"Father, I can't tell you."
Father said,
"If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution."
Eric again said,
"I know Father, but I just can't tell you."
Father Duffy then asked,
"Was it Mrs. Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"
"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."
Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"
"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."
"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"
"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"

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“Do you remember when we met all those years ago?” I asked my wife at breakfast this morning.
“It may have been 20 years,” she said, ” but of course I do!”
“And our wedding day?”
“18 years ago but I remember every single minute.”
“Then why the fuск couldn’t you remember to buy the bottle of ketchup I asked for yesterday?”

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I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

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A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night. "Honey," the wife said,
"If I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so, it's paid for."
"How about our car," continued the woman, "would the two of you keep that?
"I suppose so, it's paid for."
"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife….

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After 20 years of marriage, I still get вlоw jobs. If my wife finds out, she'll fuскing кill me.

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A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”
“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”
“That is your first worry,” he replied.

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A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out"
"$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60"
"That’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

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It's very difficult to impress women when you have no money. When I first moved into my apartment, I had no furniture for, like, six months. So, whenever a girl would come over for the first time, I'd have to act like I just got robbed. I'd be like, 'Oh, yeah, come on in, I got lots of cool stuff here. Let me just get my keys here, one second... oh сrар, I got robbed! Oh man, they took everything: my indoor pool, my piles of money. Thank God they left this air mattress.'

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As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.”
“Mum, my name is Dave.”

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Jim, the town drunkard, was at his wit’s end. He had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer: …
…
“Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The вооzе I’ll buy myself.”

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A son of two parents found out a way to get money from almost anyone. He first went up to his mom said,
"I know your secret." She said,
"Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone."
He then went up to his dad and said,
"I know your secret." He said,
"Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone."
He saw the mailman and ran up to him and said,
"I know your secret." The mailman said,
"Here is 20 bucks, now get in the truck, son."

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3 boys are fishing on a river and a man comes floating by screaming help. The 3 boys grab the man and they realize it is Justin Bieber! Justin said thank you and he wanted to give each boy a gift, anything they wanted.
The first boy said, I haven't been to Disney World. Justin gave him and his family an all expense paid trip to Florida.
The second boy said, that he loves fishing but his dad works to much. Justin bought him and his dad an all expense paid trip to Alaska.
The third boy said what about a motorized wheel chair, with a tv and an Xbox attached, and it dispenses candy. Justin said yes, and that was great that he was giving away his gift. He asked who would be getting this gift? It's for me he replied. To that Justin replied, you can walk just fine though.
I will need that wheel chair after my dad finds out I pulled you out of the river.

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The local pastor was making his annual visit and was invited to dinner at the Brown family. As Mr. and Mrs. Brown prepared dinner in the kitchen, the pastor was sitting with their five year old son in living room.
The pastor asked the boy what he expected they were going to have for dinner. The boy immediately replied, "goat".
Thinking this was rather strange he asked,
"What makes you think we are going to have goat for dinner?"
The boy replied, "I heard dad tell mom they were having the old goat for dinner tonight."

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My son came up to me and said, “Dad I want to get married and live happily ever after.”
I said,”Well which one is it?”

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Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

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A dirтy little boy was playing at the playground and walked up to his mother and asked,
"Who am I?" The mother replied, "I don't know! Who are you?" the little boy said excitedly, "WOW! My teacher was right. She said that I was so dirтy that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

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Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ... Eat them!

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