Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,”I have a hеll lot of family problems.” The second one said, “I’ll tell you mine. “I married a widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i. E. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems !!”

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My wife said to our son, “So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?”
“No, not really,” my son replied. “The zoo was ruввish.”
“Why was it ruввish?” asked my wife.
“Because the only animals there were horses running around a track.”

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter.
Dad:
"This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone."
Mom:
"Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone."
Son:
"I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone."
All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time.
Maid:
"What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?"

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My husband is the laziest man I know.
He is so lazy, he doesn't even bother to make coffee.
He just puts coffee in his mustache and drinks hot water.

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The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

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The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial. The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?" Mrs. C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

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When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said,
"Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."
What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"

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A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead. Mr. Bun Bun was also filthy with dog drool and mud, but thankfully there was no blood: his back must have broken at the first shake.
The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away.
He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully.
Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going.
"Well" the neighbor says,
"Not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful."
(Whew!) "Well, that does not sound too bad."
"Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months."
"I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset."
"Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this: Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."

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My wife could learn a lot from the family dog.
I mean, the way his face lights up whenever I offer him a воnе…

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This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night, the doorbell rings. The first kid at the door says,
"I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The father, mildly amused, answers, "Yes."
The second kid comes to the door and says,
"I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" The guy, now perplexed, answers, "Yes."
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. A kid says, 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?' The guy, becoming annoyed, answers, "Yes."
The doorbell rings one more time, and a kid standing there says,
"Hi, I'm Chuck . . . "
The father shot him.

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An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fат and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fат and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your fuскing’ bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

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What is the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
Wake her up first.

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A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

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Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

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Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

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Those responsible for forced marriages are set to be punished by new laws.
Finally my son can be brought to justice for what he did to me.

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As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset…. Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, bake, cook…”
“I’ll be there in about two hours to get you.”

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I get asked advice about the ladies from the fellas. They'll be like, 'Hey, John, is there a way to get a girl from the living room into the bedroom -- sorta, like, close the deal?' And to that, I just have to say, 'Fellas, fellas, fellas. All you need to do to make that happen is give a girl a dose of what I like to call the old Mooney charm -- or as the courts like to call it, "chloroform."'

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