Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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There is a man and a woman,they just met at a bar and started conversing, the woman is a easy going, always wanting to try new things type of person, the man is a hаrdсоrе hunter and hunting enthusiast, and very often goes hunting with his dogs.
The woman has never gone hunting before in her life, and has always wanted to
After 7 years of dating they decide to get married, and the man has promised to take her hunting the day after their wedding day.
The day comes, the man has gotten all of his equipment ready and packed his truck. BUT the weather is really bad; its cold, its raining and etc. ITS REALLY BAD WEATHER
The woman decides to tell her husband that she does not want to go hunting anymore.
The man, now disappointed and рissеd off, says to his wife "you have a choice, either you come and hunt with me or you вlоw me. Now im going to get the dogs ready, that will give you enough time to decide."
While her husband is away, she thinks about it.
When he comes back she tells him "well im not going hunting so i guess im going to have to вlоw you"
She starts blowing him and then stops for a moment, then says in a disgusted tone "aghh it tastes like s*it"
The man looks straight in the eye and says "well the dogs didnt want to go hunting either"

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My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”
I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”
I said, “Pack your bags and fсuк off.”

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John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling.
The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says,
"See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! "
John replies,
"Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "

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A couple go to a marriage counselor. The husband barely sits down before rattling off a long list of things his wife needs to improve on.
The counselor replied, "Wow, that's quite a long list. How about you ma'am, do you also have a long list of complaints?"
"Nope," she answered, "I only have one complaint."
"What might that be?"
"He lies!"

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When the man does something wrong, the woman voices her objection, and things generally get resolved when the man apologizes.
When the woman does something wrong, the man voices his objection, and things generally get resolved when the man apologizes for voicing his objection.

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I didn't really understand my family until I moved to Puerto Rico as an adult. For, like, five years, I lived there, and before then, I had always assumed that the dementia, the craziness in our family, was specific to our household. Then, I moved to the island -- 4 million people behaving the exact same way -- and I realized, 'Oh my God, I'm not dysfunctional. I'm tropical!'

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One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?"
"Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.
"Did God make you?” she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again
She then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn’t he.

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Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

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A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”

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The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she’d direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

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Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,”I have a hеll lot of family problems.” The second one said, “I’ll tell you mine. “I married a widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i. E. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems !!”

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My wife said to our son, “So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?”
“No, not really,” my son replied. “The zoo was ruввish.”
“Why was it ruввish?” asked my wife.
“Because the only animals there were horses running around a track.”

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The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sеx life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a веаvеr.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”
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My husband is the laziest man I know.
He is so lazy, he doesn't even bother to make coffee.
He just puts coffee in his mustache and drinks hot water.

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The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

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The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial. The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?" Mrs. C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

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When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said,
"Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."
What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"

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A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead. Mr. Bun Bun was also filthy with dog drool and mud, but thankfully there was no blood: his back must have broken at the first shake.
The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away.
He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully.
Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going.
"Well" the neighbor says,
"Not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful."
(Whew!) "Well, that does not sound too bad."
"Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months."
"I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset."
"Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this: Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."

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