Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A boy was getting a checkup at the doctor's office, while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked,
"What's your mother's name?"
The boy replied, "Mom."
The nurse said,
"Well, what does your dad call her?"
The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down. She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Dad."
As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mom call him?"
The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said,
"Idiот."

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Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking вееr while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Bill says, “Dad, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his вееr and says, “Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

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A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

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Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor.
Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to 'Reason for visit' he wrote, "My wife made me."

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Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said,
"No, I'm crushed!"

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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.

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The Stork family sits down to dinner. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, "So how was your day dear?"
"Well", he replied, "I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your day?"
She answers, "Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy."
They both turn to junior Stork, "And how was your day?", they asked.
Junior Stork tells them, "I had a blast! I flew all over, scaring the heck out of college students!"

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The other day I was talking to my six-year-old son, Mack. I was getting after him about his behavior. I said to him, "Mack do you know the difference between right and wrong"? He looked perplexed, so I followed "you know, like good and bad". To this he replied, "ya, like 1-800 and 1-900".

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Prison-8’x10’ Cell
Work-6’x8’ Cubicle
Prison-3 meals a day
Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one
Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you
Work-You have to do it yourself
Prison-Friends and Family can visit you

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Dave, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Dave picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

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The difference between complete and finished?
If you marry the right one, that's complete.
If you marry the wrong one, that's finished.
If you marry the right one and then get caught with the wrong one, that's completely finished.
From Readers Digest

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While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

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A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,
"Why are you so weak?"
She said,
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."

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Mrs Rosy D’Souza was going to the market in Goa where she happened to meet Father Patrick.
Father:
“Hey, you are Rosy that I got you married in Solapur, when I was posted there”.
“Yes Father” Says Rosy.
“How is your husband and the little ones ?”
“Husband is fine but so far, no children”.
Father Patrick:
“Don’t worry, child. I’m going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there.”
“Thank you, Father Patrick.”
After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again.
“So Rosy, how’s everything and what about the little ones?”
“Yes Father. I have had three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids”.
“Where is your husband ?”
“Oh, he’s gone to Rome to вlоw off that candle”.

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I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself....
When did I get a wife?

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A fter the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sеxy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the hеll gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???”

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Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
“Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing”
“But, what?”
“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

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