Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.” So he made the supreme sасrifiсе and gave up the beans. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home. So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk. All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.
Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,”Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable. So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him. Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking. Keeping his ear turned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!
When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it and smiled contently to himself.
His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.
At that point she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!! There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party.
The day of the party the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive ваве herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and messed around.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said,
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"