Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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The difference between complete and finished?
If you marry the right one, that's complete.
If you marry the wrong one, that's finished.
If you marry the right one and then get caught with the wrong one, that's completely finished.
From Readers Digest

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While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."

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Mrs Rosy D’Souza was going to the market in Goa where she happened to meet Father Patrick.
Father:
“Hey, you are Rosy that I got you married in Solapur, when I was posted there”.
“Yes Father” Says Rosy.
“How is your husband and the little ones ?”
“Husband is fine but so far, no children”.
Father Patrick:
“Don’t worry, child. I’m going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there.”
“Thank you, Father Patrick.”
After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again.
“So Rosy, how’s everything and what about the little ones?”
“Yes Father. I have had three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids”.
“Where is your husband ?”
“Oh, he’s gone to Rome to вlоw off that candle”.

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I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself....
When did I get a wife?

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A fter the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sеxy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the hеll gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???”

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Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
“Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing”
“But, what?”
“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

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Me and my wife were lying in bed last night, when she asked me “If you could compare me to one thing in the universe, what would it be?”
I said “the sun.”
She asked “Aww, is that because I’m bright, beautiful and you couldn’t live without me?”
I said “No. It’s because not one person in the fuскing universe wants to look directly at you.”

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Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again!
Husband: I had to work late.
Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home?
Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.
The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner.
Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners.
Wife: It’s not a TV dinner!
Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate.
Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

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My wife’s convinced there’s a poltergeist in our house.
Some days she wakes up with no knickers on, while on other days, pots and pans seem to fly through mid air and strike her on the head.

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I’m getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.
This morning I caught my daughter imitating sеx acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.
I told her, “You’ll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that.”
She replied, “Don’t worry, Dad. He’s doing her up the shiттеr!”

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A BIG-GAME hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said:
“What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it !!

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After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.
I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

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Jim Visits the Family Doctor
Doc - Ha! Hey Jim what's up this time.
Jim - This time it's a severe situation doc!
Doc - mm Keep Saying Jim...
Jim - Doc I've been that notorious clown since ever, but today I just found a site that pays for a good rated Joke and ever since then !!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Joking nerves trifle Me !!!!!!
Doc - Hahahahahahahahahahaha !!! ** Cracking
Jim - Okay! It's working now, Thanks Doc
* Updates the Post :P

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My wife had a dreaded phone call to say that her mother had died earlier.
“At least all that suffering has stopped now,” I told my wife.
“What are you talking about?” She cried, “it was a car accident!”
“I know,” I replied. “I was talking about my suffering.”

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A successful businessman wanted to send his elderly mother a very special gift for her birthday, a rare South American endangered bird valued at $5,000.
When he called his mother to see how she liked the surprise gift he was shocked when she said,
"It was quite small, but tasted very good."
He asked her, after her shocking reply, "Mom, that was a $5000 bird that can speak five languages and you ate him?"
"Well, if he could speak five languages he should have spoken up."

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My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.
I said, “What makes you say that, ваве?”
She said, “Well for one, there’s this card you gave me for my birthday.”
I said, “But to be fair, you’ve not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow.”

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