Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:
“Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says:
“Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirтy and shabby-looking вuм who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the вuм said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said,
"Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The вuм was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirтy, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
My aunt and her 7 year-old daughter, Lisa, were talking at breakfast one morning when Lisa said,
"Mommy, how come you have these gray hairs coming in on the top of your head?"
My Aunt replied, "Well sweetie, every time that you make mommy worry or tell a lie, I get a new gray hair."
Lisa, having this perplexed look on her face, then raises her head to look my aunt straight in the eyes. She then asks, "Is that why grandma is all gray mommy?"