Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
I’m Tired!
Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough. .
But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the populations are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leave 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.
Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this!
No wonder I’m tired!!!
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to кill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him……..”
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they said they didn’t, He sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong - with his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the clerk… and after five reissued licenses, the judge was finally satisfied.
Judge:
“I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical ваsтаrds.”
Groom:
“That’s funny - that’s just what the clerk called you.”
An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move.
When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a “W. C.” [water closet, a euphemism for toilet] around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a “W. C.” around. The [Swiss] schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the [Swiss] parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters “W. C.,” and the only solution they could find for the letters was “Wayside Chapel.” The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W. C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early: although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it; while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W. C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a веll donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can’t attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain.
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
A Indian boy seduces a pakistani virgin. They decided to go out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says,
"Indians? Why you want to disgrace Pakistan. Sit here and let me tell you about those indian boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your вrеаsт; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said,
"But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you but don't allow.. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said,
"Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace our country. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his country."