Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
My wife said, “You’ve never held the door open for me.”
I said, “What about the fuскing time you threatened to leave.”

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"What does your mother do for a headache?"
"She sends me out to play."

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Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead. At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. …
…
“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. …
…
“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”

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My husband, he goes, 'Ноотеrs is a family restaurant.' And I go, 'What do you think I am -- sтuрid? It has an owl theme: hoot, hoot.' And he goes, 'No, they have really good wings.' And I go, 'Oh, well, I go to this place called Ваlls. It's a family restaurant. All the waiters wear orange jockstraps, and they have really good nuggets.'

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The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said,
"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

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Our family surname is “Daniels”. So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said,
"It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

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When he was finished with the bulk of the changes, Mr. Smith added yet one more stipulation to his will: that he be buried at sea.
He explained, “that’s just in case my wife makes good on her threat t dance on my grave.”

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Five year old Frankie's parents bought him some new shoes. It had been raining so they told Frankie, "You can't walk in mud puddles with your new shoes."
Frankie went outside as his parents watched from the window. The first thing Frankie did was go to the nearest mud puddle and began to stop his feet in the muddy water.
With the biggest smile on his face Frankie ran back into the house and announced his shoes work just fine in mud puddles.

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A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her the “big question.”
Little girl:
“Mommy, what’s a Реnis? Why don’t I have one?”
Mom:
“Be a good girl and you’ll get one when you grow up.”
Little girl: But what if I’m a bad girl?”
Mom:
“Then you’ll get more.”

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My wife said that I am going through a really immature period and that, if I don’t grow up, it’s going to еrест a barrier between us.
I replied, “Hee-hee… period… еrест…”

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Wife to husband:
“Did you like supper?”
Trying to be polite, the husband says, “Yes.”
The wife says, “I was just wondering, because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it.”

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I think men need to be married. Women are the other half of our brain. That's why God made us to be a couple. We come up with goofy ideas; the woman will think about that idea and the outcome and what can happen, stop you and save your life. That's why God made man and woman:
'Whoa, man! No!'

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Lady: My husband keeps talking in his sleep.
Doctor: Just allow him to speak during the day, and he will be alright.

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The bride's family sat on this side, and the groom's family sat on that side 'cause of the restraining order.

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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet ... nobody was ever married!
Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara.
In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunк!

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My children are at the perfect age... too old to cry at night and too young to borrow my car.

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Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."
"Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."
"What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!"
"Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

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