Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception...
The bumper sticker on his car read "My Kid Made Your License Plate".

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A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fат. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Dамn, do you have good eyesight!"

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My wife ran away with my best friend. A year later both of them were at my front door ringing the веll. They rang the веll for an hour straight. Reluctantly I answered the door.
They said they wanted to apologize for the way things happened. Boy, was I relieved, I thought he was trying to bring her back.

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The wife, whose husband has a collection of guitars, was before the judge after smashing every single one of them.
The judge ask s, "First offender?"
She replied, "No, your honor. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

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My wife text me earlier while I was out shopping:
‘Pick something up for the little ones while you’re out love x’
So I bought her a вrа.

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- - The spouse who snores the loudest always falls asleep first.
- - The product you are most embarrassed to buy must be price-checked over the intercom.
- - The heavier the load and the farther you must carry it, the more your nose itches.
- -The original will be found when a replacement is bought.
- - When you have a deadline, the printer always runs out of toner.
- - When you have to get up early, a power surge knocks out the alarm clock in the night.
- - Technical instructions are in three languages: Spanish, French and Geek.
- - On the verge of completing a major spreadsheet, you will mysteriously perform an "illegal operation" and erase your work.

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It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.

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All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.
The problem is that, after a few years, the nyмрhо leaves but the maniac doesn’t.

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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, “Why were you screaming last night?”
The daughter replied “Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.”
“That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing so much last night?”
The daughter replied “Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.”
“That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
The youngest daughter replied “Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.”

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I've been in love with a woman for seventeen years...
My wife would кill me if she ever found out!

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Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male маsтurватiоn, i. E. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’ the salami and so on, there weren’t any common terms for female маsтurватiоn.
“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off,'” answered one of the women.
“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,'” criticised the first.
“You’re right,” another commented. “We DON’T seem to have any slang terms of our own for it.”
The fourth woman snorted. “After fourteen years of marriage, there’s only one thing I call it.”
“What’s that?”
“Finishing the job!” she responded.

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On 60th birthday of salma in Lahore Pakistan. Everyone was admired her.
In goodwill speech rednecks told " Salma is a complete woman.
Friends later asked about it.
He says" she adores Anant which was her platonic love.
She is thankful to alim who married her.
She don't forget aslam with whom she had first sеx.
She is excited about abdul who was her long time lover.
She also praises wajid for children she had in her life.
And she also craves for sеx with biber in her dreams.
Isn't she a complete woman.

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When the follow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?' the man asked.
"No, sir" replied the clerk. "only cash and credit cards."

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When his teenage son asked to borrow twenty dollar, the man said, “Son, don’t you realize that there are more important things in life than money?”
“Yes, sir,” the youth replied, “I do. But you need money to take them to the movies.”

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My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”

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I played FIFA with my brother last night.
He was beating me, so being a bad loser, I turned the machine off.
“You fuскing сunт,” he said, switching his dialysis back on.

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My wife decided to meet some of the children residing at our emergency shelter. Realizing that she was the wife of the Development Coordinator, a young child asked if we were husband and wife to which my wife said "Yes” Without missing a beat, this particular girl remarked how short I was. This sweet child's next statement said it all when she asked thoughtfully, "Wasn't he taller when he married you?"

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A father came home from work one night to find his little boy sitting on the cat, with a pen and paper in his hand.
“Why are you sitting on Felix?” he asked.
“Well, teacher told us to write an essay on the family pet.”

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