Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.
The problem is that, after a few years, the nyмрhо leaves but the maniac doesn’t.

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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, “Why were you screaming last night?”
The daughter replied “Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.”
“That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing so much last night?”
The daughter replied “Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.”
“That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
The youngest daughter replied “Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.”

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I've been in love with a woman for seventeen years...
My wife would кill me if she ever found out!

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On 60th birthday of salma in Lahore Pakistan. Everyone was admired her.
In goodwill speech rednecks told " Salma is a complete woman.
Friends later asked about it.
He says" she adores Anant which was her platonic love.
She is thankful to alim who married her.
She don't forget aslam with whom she had first sеx.
She is excited about abdul who was her long time lover.
She also praises wajid for children she had in her life.
And she also craves for sеx with biber in her dreams.
Isn't she a complete woman.

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When the man first noticed that his реnis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.
“Crutches???” the doctor asked.
“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

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When the follow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?' the man asked.
"No, sir" replied the clerk. "only cash and credit cards."

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When his teenage son asked to borrow twenty dollar, the man said, “Son, don’t you realize that there are more important things in life than money?”
“Yes, sir,” the youth replied, “I do. But you need money to take them to the movies.”

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My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”

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I played FIFA with my brother last night.
He was beating me, so being a bad loser, I turned the machine off.
“You fuскing сunт,” he said, switching his dialysis back on.

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My wife decided to meet some of the children residing at our emergency shelter. Realizing that she was the wife of the Development Coordinator, a young child asked if we were husband and wife to which my wife said "Yes” Without missing a beat, this particular girl remarked how short I was. This sweet child's next statement said it all when she asked thoughtfully, "Wasn't he taller when he married you?"

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A father came home from work one night to find his little boy sitting on the cat, with a pen and paper in his hand.
“Why are you sitting on Felix?” he asked.
“Well, teacher told us to write an essay on the family pet.”

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Мiск had passed away and as usual the minister was reciting his history and attributes at his funeral. …
….
- ” Мiск was a great family man,always helping with the dish washing and housework, a model husband and father, never late out and has not allowed a drop of whisky to pass his lips”
His widow, squirming in her seat, could stand it no more, веnт down and whispered to her son, “Jimmy, go on up and look in the coffin, I think we might be at the wrong funeral”

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*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!

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My wife just opened my car door for me. …
…
It would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

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My wife said she is getting fed up of me jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
Which is why she will probably leave me and run off with a milkman.

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I have no idea why my wife throws her dinner across the room when we argue.
She knows she’s the one that has to clean it up afterwards.

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I was out walking with the missus the other day, when she started tutting and taking her shoe off.
“What’s up with you? I asked.
“I’ve got a stone in my fuскing shoe” she snarled.
I said “you’ve got 24 stone in the other one, but that’s not fuскing bothering you.

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My wife says men are insensitive lovers.
Can’t be that insensitive - unlike her I сuм every time.

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