Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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My wife was watching Loose Women earlier when the competition question came on, it was:
Complete this saying ‘Strike when the iron is…’
A) Hot
B) Cold
C) Warm
I have now written a full letter of complaint to ITV asking why the correct answer of ‘not on’ was not listed.

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I asked my wife if she felt we spend enough time together.
“Go and fuск yourself,” she texted back from the other room.

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My wife is an identical twin and I’m often asked how I tell them apart.
It’s easy.
I just look for the bitter one who resists my sеxuаl advances.

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Behind every successful man there is a strong, supportive woman... and a very surprised mother-in-law!

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My wife said she wanted plastic surgery done.
So I cut her Credit Cards up.

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My wife asked me where I’d like to be buried…
Apparently “Ваlls deep in your younger sister” was not the answer she was expecting.

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters ‘BB’ tattooed to her Воовs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her аss instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a ‘B’ on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. “What do you think?” the wife says.
“Uh, who the hеll is Bob?” the husband replies.

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God made a man and then rested.
God made a woman and then no one rested.

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A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said,
"There is one more thing we can do."
He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

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The man of the house was getting frustrated with his yard. The grass just wasn't growing, wasn't green and lush like he had expected. He tried wееd-n-feed, extra watering, and reseeding. His grass just wouldn't grow. The angry man sat down in the middle of his yard, and yelled out, "Why aren't you happy, grass, I've done everything for you!"
The grass replied, "Because I'm just not in the mood, dude. Don't you know what I am? I am crab grass! Now leave me alone. I am really not in the mood!"

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If you've ever noticed -- paid attention in any Amber Alert -- you might have noticed they only kidnap the little angel in the family that everybody loves and misses. Why don't we ever hear about them kidnapping badass children? I think people don't report those Amber Alerts.

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My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude сunт wouldn’t even look me in the eye.
He just sat there, staring at my knife!

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I’m not saying we were poor, but there’s many a time my mother sent me next door with a button to ask a neighbour if she’d sew a shirt on it.

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Grandfather: Back in my day we didn’t need all these fancy gizmos for entertainment. We had a cardboard box and played with it for hours; now that’s real fun!
Grandson Billy: Really ?!?!
Billy’s mother: Yes Billy, of course they had fun. We are talking about a generation of kids who also ate mud pies!

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A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with."
The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”

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Ive had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.
It gives the illusion that the wife is moving when we’re having sеx.
==

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