Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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The best thing about Japanese роrn is they censor it, so I can watch it with my family.

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One night, a torrential rain storm soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. She saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that there baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said,
"Oh yeah, that's my husband. I told that jаскаss he gonna cut the grass today come hеll or high water!"

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A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?”
“No,” I replied. “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”
“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”

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John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... To match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then."

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When I got married all my friends gave me grief about it. They're like, 'Man, you only get to have sеx with one woman for the rest of your life,' which that's turned out to be true. But one woman is actually a helluva lot better than the nobody I was working with before.

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A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies,
"Gotcha!"

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My Wife hates exercise. To her, getting up in the morning is a moving violation.
The only exercise she get is pushing her luck, stretching the truth, and jumping to conclusions.
Although, she has been known to carry a grudge.

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My wife was watching Loose Women earlier when the competition question came on, it was:
Complete this saying ‘Strike when the iron is…’
A) Hot
B) Cold
C) Warm
I have now written a full letter of complaint to ITV asking why the correct answer of ‘not on’ was not listed.

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I asked my wife if she felt we spend enough time together.
“Go and fuск yourself,” she texted back from the other room.

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My wife is an identical twin and I’m often asked how I tell them apart.
It’s easy.
I just look for the bitter one who resists my sеxuаl advances.

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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

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Behind every successful man there is a strong, supportive woman... and a very surprised mother-in-law!

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My wife asked me where I’d like to be buried…
Apparently “Ваlls deep in your younger sister” was not the answer she was expecting.

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters ‘BB’ tattooed to her Воовs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her аss instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a ‘B’ on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. “What do you think?” the wife says.
“Uh, who the hеll is Bob?” the husband replies.

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God made a man and then rested.
God made a woman and then no one rested.

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A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said,
"There is one more thing we can do."
He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

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