Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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The man of the house was getting frustrated with his yard. The grass just wasn't growing, wasn't green and lush like he had expected. He tried wееd-n-feed, extra watering, and reseeding. His grass just wouldn't grow. The angry man sat down in the middle of his yard, and yelled out, "Why aren't you happy, grass, I've done everything for you!"
The grass replied, "Because I'm just not in the mood, dude. Don't you know what I am? I am crab grass! Now leave me alone. I am really not in the mood!"

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When your Asian friend has been in America too long, they start to make fun of Asian people.
Me: Dude Pearl Harbor was a good аss movie
Asian friend: fuск Japan! Fuск their families! They can all die in hеll! They look like they ate too many sour candies! Rice picking mudah f*ckah.
P. S. Im not lying, he said that

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If you've ever noticed -- paid attention in any Amber Alert -- you might have noticed they only kidnap the little angel in the family that everybody loves and misses. Why don't we ever hear about them kidnapping badass children? I think people don't report those Amber Alerts.

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I’m not saying we were poor, but there’s many a time my mother sent me next door with a button to ask a neighbour if she’d sew a shirt on it.

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Grandfather: Back in my day we didn’t need all these fancy gizmos for entertainment. We had a cardboard box and played with it for hours; now that’s real fun!
Grandson Billy: Really ?!?!
Billy’s mother: Yes Billy, of course they had fun. We are talking about a generation of kids who also ate mud pies!

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A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with."
The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”

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Ive had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.
It gives the illusion that the wife is moving when we’re having sеx.
==

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Why women never fаrт when your dating? They don't have an аss hole till after they are married.

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When two people meet they have that initial spark, that magic. That's called love at first sight. When only one person has it, that's called stalking. I know that now.

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A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her husband, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the wife.

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My wife loves sales.
She'll buy anything that's marked down.
Yesterday she came home with an escalator.

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Bob:
"So, you say that you won the conversation with your wife yesterday."
Joe:
"Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob:
"Really? What did she say?"
Joe:
"Come out from under the bed, you coward

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I always get excited when my wife says “I’m going.”
Then she goes and spoils it by saying, “to the shops, ” or “to bed,” or some other shiт.

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A wife of 40 should be like money.
You should be able to change her for two of 20.

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The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. “All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sеx with him. And he’s right too. I have no desire at all.”
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. “Those pills were great Doc, I’m doin’ it twice a night now.”
“That’s wonderful.” said the doctor, “What does you husband say now?”
“How should I know?” she replied. “I ain’t been home yet.”

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People make jokes about their mother in law but My mother in law is ok…
It’s her daughter I can’t stand.

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“It’s not you, it’s me.”
~ Chinese people looking at family photos.

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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

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