Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

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Al: What kind of woman did you marry?
Sam: She's an angel, that's what she is.
Al: Boy, you sure are lucky. Mine's still living.

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My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn’t give me a penny and she’d move out of the country.
Little does she know I’ve been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.

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A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a вrа. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.
“What color?” they asked. He settled for white.
“How much does it cost?” he asked. “Twenty dollars.”
“Very good,” he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea.
“Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?”
“No,” he said, “nothing like that.”
“Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s bust resembles.” He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, “Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?”

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My wife doesn’t understand how considerate I’m being when I suggest we have a тhrееsоме…. At least She’ll have someone to chat with after I’ve gone to sleep!

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A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her раnтiеs, and thrusts her рuвiс area forward.
“There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”
“That’s not your chest!” he roars back.
“Dамn right it’s my chest,” she argued, “Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUСКING FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”

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I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.

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A young boy was looking through some old family photos and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that man who lives with us now?"

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The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient:
“Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".
The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"
Doctor:
"These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

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Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.

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When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time.
They were real people, I just imagined they were my friends.

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Now that I'm a mother I'm having wild unimaginable fantasy's.
I keep picturing myself taking the evening off.
My favorite is the one about having uninterrupted sleep!

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Things turned really ugly at my house last night.
My wife removed her make up.

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I tried to stop the first day or two of our marriage, and I promise you, my nuts ballooned quicker than Oprah in a Krispy Kreme.

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Now that I'm grown, I'm scared 'cause I'm thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can't be Superman then, you know. It's like, 'Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound -- every other weekend.'

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My wife asked me if I’d ever regretted saying something.
“I do,” I replied.
“Well, what was it then?” she asked.

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Women may be surprised to know that we men enjoy sleeping on the sofa.
It makes us feel manly, like we’re camping…. …. With a really angry bear close by.

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Give a man a fish…
…and he’ll probably give it to his wife for cooking, which would then lead him to face questions such as, ‘Where did you get the fish?’, ‘Couldn’t you get a вiggеr one?’, ‘Why didn’t you get more?’.

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