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If marriage has taught me anything, it’s how to pretend to be asleep when my husband is маsтurватing in bed.
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed in 2016. …
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Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin. …
…
They put his left leg in….. and then the trouble started.
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Yo mama so fат when she swims next to whales she sings frickin we are family!!!
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You can’t win can you?
My wife said she wanted me to show more interest in her family.
So I fuскеd her sister….
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Question:
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How much of this “No More Tears” shampoo do I have to feed my baby to get it to stop crying?
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My family have always been scruffy dressers, i guess its in our genes.
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When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said,
"When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"
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Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.
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One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says,
"I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman."
The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.
The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."
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Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied:
"In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."
The judge turned to the wife:
"Have you anything to say?"
She answered:
"It's been six weeks, your honor."
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My wife phoned me at work and said, “I’m not wearing any knickers”
I said, “I’ll tell the boss I’m feeling sick”
She said, “So you can come home early and fсuк me?”
I said, “No, because now I’m feeling sick”
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When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed,took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn’t hurt.
Which made me laugh, because that’s exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.
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My wife is like my broadband service - cheap, unreliable and insecure.. but doesn’t go down as often.
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My wife says that my lying is ruining our marriage.
But I reckon it’s my big diск.
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A recent survey of men has revealed one of their biggest fears in life is going deaf.
Obviously they didn’t ask married men.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were рissеd.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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La maquina de los tres segundos
Η ζυγαριά.
Η επέτειος.
Скъпи
Жена ми започна да подмята какво иска за подарък за предстоящата ни годишнина:
Милий
Un Allemand
Une femme
My wife and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary soon so i asked her what she wanted. She said wanted something really really shine that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
Είναι τρεις τύποι λέει ο πρώτος
A l’approche de Noël
Treffen sich zwei Blondinen. Sagt die eine:
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds.
Kommt meine Frau heute in den Garten nachdem sie den neuen BMW der Nachbarin erblickt hat: "Du
Adam och Jonatan satt och skröt för varandra. Adam sa: - Min pappa har en sportbil som går från 0 till 100 km på sju sekunder. Jonatan kontrar: - Det var väl inget. Min pappa har en apparat som går från 0 till 100 på bara en sekund. - Du...
Una esposa descontenta con su carro le dice a su marido: - Cariño
— Любий! Подаруй мені те
- Hvad er det accelererer fra 0-100 på 0
- Kona ga meg et hint om hva hun ønsket seg på sin 50 års dag. - Hun sa at ønsket seg noe skinnende som går fra 0 til 100 på 3 sekunder. - Hva kjøpte du da? - Jeg kjøpte en baderomsvekt til henne.
Tre drenge Tre drenge stod på et gadehjørne. Pludselig siger den ene: - Min far har en bil
3 Vrienden zitten bij mekaar en ze praten over wat ze voor hun vrouw als verjaardagscadeau hebben gekocht. Zegt de eerste: "Ik heb voor mijn vrouw iets gekocht dat van 0 naar 100 gaat in 5...
Mijn vrouw gaf me laatst een tip voor wat ze wenste voor haar volgende verjaardag.Ze zei: "Ik wil een rode en hij moet van 0 naar 130 gaan in 3 seconden." Ik kocht voor haar een weegschaal.Toen is...
Vaimo tuli kotiin töistä ja sanoi miehelleen: - Kulta
Viime vuonna Pertti ei tiennyt mitä ostaa vaimolleen joululahjaksi. Vaimo antoi mielestään hyvän vihjeen: ”Olisi kiva jos tossa autotallin edessä olisi minulle sellainen lahja
Mies oli autuaasti unohtanut vaimon syntymäpäivän ja vaimo naama punaisena huutaa pihalla: PRKL
Nainen pyysi mieheltään syntymäpäivälahjaksi jotain mikä kiihtyisi nollasta sataan 3 sekunissa. - Mies toi vaa’an naiselle.
Megkérdeztem a nejemet mit szeretne a születésnapjára. Azt mondta
Min fru sa att hon i bröllopspresent
Elle voulait un truc qui va de 0 à 100 en 2 secondes
- A feleségem meglátta a szomszéd nejének az új BMW-jét
A mulher faz aniversário e pede para o marido um presente. O que você quer de presente? Um que vai de 0 a 100 em 10 segundos. À noite o marido traz uma caixa e diz: — Seu presente está aqui! Ela...
Tre killar sitter i bastun och skryter om vad de givit sina fruar i julklapp. Den första säger: - Gissa vad jag gav min fru? Den gör 100 på 5 sekunder! - Ingen aning
- Ma chérie
Meine Frau letztens zu mir: "Schatz
What goes up from 0 to 200 in less than 2 seconds? Yo mama's weight scale.
Ζήτησε για τα γενέθλια της κάτι που να πηγαίνει 0 έως 100 σε 2 δευτερόλεπτα και της χάρισα μια ζυγαριά. Έτσι ξεκίνησε ο καυγάς…
Una donna
My wife asked me to get her a birthday gift that was black and silver and went from 0 to 200 in six seconds.
I got her a new bathroom scale... that's when the fighting really started.
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The wife insisted on calling our new baby daughter Lucy. I thought it was a good enough name, but I found it hard to remember and it was my job to register the baby with the authorities.
“Och,” said the wife with a sly smile, “just think of my little рussy and change the first letter to L.”
At the registry office, they asked me what the baby was to be called.
“Er,” I said, racking my brains, “we’d like to call her Lunt.”
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