Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Now that I'm a mother I'm having wild unimaginable fantasy's.
I keep picturing myself taking the evening off.
My favorite is the one about having uninterrupted sleep!

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What's that thing called when you're only attracted to married men and gаy men?
Oh. Single. It's called single.

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Things turned really ugly at my house last night.
My wife removed her make up.

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Now that I'm grown, I'm scared 'cause I'm thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can't be Superman then, you know. It's like, 'Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound -- every other weekend.'

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My wife asked me if I’d ever regretted saying something.
“I do,” I replied.
“Well, what was it then?” she asked.

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Women may be surprised to know that we men enjoy sleeping on the sofa.
It makes us feel manly, like we’re camping…. …. With a really angry bear close by.

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Give a man a fish…
…and he’ll probably give it to his wife for cooking, which would then lead him to face questions such as, ‘Where did you get the fish?’, ‘Couldn’t you get a вiggеr one?’, ‘Why didn’t you get more?’.

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If marriage has taught me anything, it’s how to pretend to be asleep when my husband is маsтurватing in bed.

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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed in 2016. …
….
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin. …
…
They put his left leg in….. and then the trouble started.

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Yo mama so fат when she swims next to whales she sings frickin we are family!!!

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You know, the thing about your family is you're connected forever by blood relation to a group of folks who are really not your kind of people.

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You can’t win can you?
My wife said she wanted me to show more interest in her family.
So I fuскеd her sister….

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My family have always been scruffy dressers, i guess its in our genes.

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When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said,
"When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"

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Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.

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One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says,
"I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman."
The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.
The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

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Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied:
"In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."
The judge turned to the wife:
"Have you anything to say?"
She answered:
"It's been six weeks, your honor."

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My wife phoned me at work and said, “I’m not wearing any knickers”
I said, “I’ll tell the boss I’m feeling sick”
She said, “So you can come home early and fсuк me?”
I said, “No, because now I’m feeling sick”

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