Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Two elderly ladies were discussing their "elderly" issues.
"You're in the grocery store, Ethel," Gladys begins, "and the urge suddenly comes upon you. You go into the woman's bathroom, and the only stall is filthy, a total mess. You go to the family bathroom, and find the door is locked. What do you do?"
Ethel thinks for a minute, then replies,
"Depends."

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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:’Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and вееr, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the вuтт and having the ваlls to say:’Youre next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up the confusion on the definitions…. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in DEATH

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer. It’s sтuрid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”
I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”
She said, “There you go again!”

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We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

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My wife told me, “Smart men make great husbands!”
I said, “Smart men don’t get fuскing married!”

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The wife saw her husband frustrated reading the Marriage Certificate from top to bottom, flip it over, and then read it again...
She asked:
" Honey, what are you looking for?"
He answered:
" Nothing dear, I’m just looking for the expiration date for this paper..."

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You ever have a day where you're forced to be around someone you just don't like? You start to realize that they don't like you either, and suddenly you say to yourself, 'Why did I marry this person?'

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After fifteen years of marriage, my wife’s developed a very particular way of smiling.
Rarely.

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Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday

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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

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A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, and makes $55,555.55 a year. He strongly believes his lucky number is 5.
One day he says, “What the hеll?!” and he goes to the horsetrack. As luck would have it there was a horse named ‘Lucky Number 5.’ Of course, he bets $5,555.55 on horse ‘Lucky Number 5.’ He goes up into the bleachers and sits in row number 5.
5 seconds later, the race starts. He says “Yes! I can’t lose! 5 is my lucky number!”
‘Lucky Number 5’ comes in 5th.

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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark nакеd!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

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My mom is a major pain in the аss. Let me explain -- my mom is a 'camera mom.' Everybody's got that one person in their family, but it ain't their mom. All they do is walk around and go, 'Wait, don't move, let me go get my camera.' All my life I got that. It didn't even have to be camera moments. Like when I was all dressed up to go to the prom by myself, 'Wait! Let me get my camera!'
'Uh, we don't need a camera for this. I'm gonna remember this sh*t for the rest of my life.'

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My best old friend asked me, "How do you keep your marriage so fresh?"
I said,
"Well for the last 30 years we've done nothing together and we get along just fine! Why do you ask?"
He replied, "My wife has kind of the same idea."
"Oh?", I said.
"Yea a Divorce!"

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Wife:
"You remember when you bought me this blue dress?"
Husband:
"I don't remember."
Wife:
"It was on my birthday! And this red gown?"
Husband:
"On your birthday?"
Wife:
"No... on our anniversary! Don't you remember?"
Husband:
"Honey, I'm not good at remembering colors or dresses. I better at remembering prices, those I remember very well!"

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Daughter:
" I don't like the boy you found for me... his teeth are not in order and he looks ugly when he smiles."
Mother:
"Don't worry about that. He will not be smiling after he marries you."

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The wife got a punch in the face for crashing my new car.
I swapped the airbag for a boxing glove.

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