Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside. “Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”
So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years.
Then, one night, while they are in bed, the man says to the woman, “Darling, roll over now.”
Hearing this, she gets out of bed, puts her clothes on and starts packing her things. When she is ready to leave the confused husband says, “Honey, wait a minute! What’s the matter?”
Wiping her tears, she says, “My mother told me that men are a little strange sometimes and if you ever ask me to roll over, I was to get my things and leave you, and go home to her.”
“But, honey,” says the husband, “don’t you want children?
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A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. “So,” said the counsellor, “you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up. “You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the counsellor. “He gets $2,000. You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the counsellor. “Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye. “What about our three children?”
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. “Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head. “No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I got.”
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Larry was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, ‘Larry, let me tell you something… on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on.
She did and said, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear them.
I replied, ‘Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we never had any problems.
‘Hmmm,’ said Larry. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Larry took off his pants and said to Karen, ‘here - try these on.
She tried them on and said, ‘These are too large, they don’t fit me.
Larry said, ‘Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Larry. She said, ‘Here-you try on mine.
He did and said, ‘I can’t get into your pants.
Karen said, ‘Exactly, and if you don’t change your smart аss attitude, you never will.
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