Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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I went to see the Red Arrows today.
There were gasps of “Ooh” and “Aah” as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour’s worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

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A 17 year old boy grew up living under the conception of an Idol player call Bjorn Borj. Who was a swedish word champion tennis player, the boy evidently grew into a man but still loved Bjorn Borj to the extent of wearing his shirts and under wears as well as posters. When he got married his wife decided to surprise him by going to a tattoo artist and getting the Abbreviation of his tennis hero on her аss. On each cheek she had a big B, at that very night she went home and removed her underwears facing her аss to the door, so when her Husband would come in he would immediately see it. As he entered he looked at her аss and said "who the fuск is BOB?"

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I’ve arranged for my wife to have one of those fish spa pedicures at home tonight.
It’s cost me a fuскing fortune - piranhas aren’t cheap.

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A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fаrт in my sleep.

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If Ivana Trump divorced Donald and then married musician Neil Diamond then she would be Ivana Diamond.
If she then divorced Neil Diamond and then she married pro golfer Jack Nicklaus then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus.
If she then divorced Jack Nicklaus and then she married former Mets pitcher Ron Darling then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.

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(Husband) Honey, at this year’s office Halloween party why don’t I wear a superman costume you can go as a witch?
(Wife) How clever!
(Husband) What do you mean?
(Wife) It’s a polar opposite theme right?

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They say marriages are made in heaven, “well," so are lightning and thunder!

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"I miss going to restaurants with my parents."
"So you miss your parents?"
"No, they just used to pay the bill."

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I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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Two guys were discussing a girl from French class they had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.
They both agreed that they had never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.
The first guy said, “Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we’ve got to teach her quickly what’s right and what’s wrong.”
And the other guy replied, “Agreed ! You teach her what’s right”

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A loaded van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tents.
Two of them rushed to gather firewood, while the other two and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system... no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

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A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

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Definition of Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

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The new John Lewis advert where various animals bounce up and down on a trampoline is ridiculously far fetched.
I mean come on….. A black family with a house?!!

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Some guy: Sтuрid Вiтсhеs....
Me: So tell me more about you family...

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After we had lunch with another couple, the girls went shopping, and the guys opted to go sailing. Bad decision as a storm blew in while us guys were out on the water.
Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
As my friend stood there, ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face, he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said,
"Sure beats shopping!"

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There was a little boy and girl playing behind the shed. The little boy asks the girl, “can I see your рussy?” …
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The girl was shocked at the question but she was also a very hоrny girl. “Yeah, sure!” She said. She pulled down her раnтiеs and the boy was about to touch it until his mom came and said, “Stop!! Come here now!”…
That night the boy’s mom said, “Don’t you go around messing with girls рussiеs.” The boy asked why.
“Because they have teeth in there and they’re waiting for a punk like you to fall for it and bite.”
Growing up, the boy believed what his mom had said.
On his honey moon his wife said, “Are we going to have sеx?”
“No.” Said the boy
“Why not?” Asked his wife
“Because you have teeth in there.”
“No I don’t. I’ll show you.” His wife took off her раnтiеs and showed him.
“No wonder you have no teeth. Look at the shape your gums are in.”

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