Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

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We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can't overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sеx with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her раnтiеs off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

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The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it:
"Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"

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Guns don’t кill people – husbands who come home early кill people.

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My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another.
So far we’ve been up for three weeks.

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Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they кill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hеll with your canoes!"

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Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale.
It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

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Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sеx and оrаl sеx with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

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An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
“The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

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I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.

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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and кill her."
The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and кill her."
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.
"I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and кill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hеll breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a вiтсh to death with the chair!"

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If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you.
She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’

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A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fuскеd now".

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A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman.
The mute friend points to his head.
His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."
Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.
His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."
Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion.
His friend looks at him strangely.
"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

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My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.

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